Too many times I have had to correct the counter because I did not wake up in the morning and change it. Again today it went from 48 to 50. I am the most important part of this blog. I know why the day was skipped. The people who live with me know. Does it matter that a day was skipped?
I know that day 49 was an early work day. And then I got home to family activities and house guests. Should I be accountable to the blog and make excuses for skipped days? Who gets up in the morning and rushes to see Jane's counter? And worries or wonders? Maybe the family but they are busy too. Do I have other followers? I don't know.
I must change it every day for me. Every day. No excuses!
COUNT WITH JANE________ I count the days without a visit to the casino and share my gambling history.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
REWARD YOURSELF!
That was my doctor's advice. Earlier this month enough funds had been set aside to have an outing with family members. Normally entrance fee events were avoided. What a beautiful visit we had and I an still able to enjoy that day whenever I look at my photos.
As a compulsive gambler I went to the casino to win my reward money for a special activity. It's no surprise that even though I may have won enough to have what I wanted, I never left the casino with it.
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| Christmas Wishes For Everlasting Recovery |
Monday, December 16, 2013
I HAVE AN ANGEL
Angels are pictured everywhere and particularly this month. Now I always pause and ask myself if this one is my angel? Would I recognize her?
Through these gambling years I've been asked many times to share thoughts of my beliefs. I had no answer. Years passed and then one day I asked myself why I had been searching cemeteries and photographing angels. It was light bulb time.
I do believe I have an angel, she was forgotten. I had thought of gambling as a solitary activity but I've really never been alone even though it seemed I was to me. She has been there with me. Maybe this angel is mine.
Through these gambling years I've been asked many times to share thoughts of my beliefs. I had no answer. Years passed and then one day I asked myself why I had been searching cemeteries and photographing angels. It was light bulb time.
I do believe I have an angel, she was forgotten. I had thought of gambling as a solitary activity but I've really never been alone even though it seemed I was to me. She has been there with me. Maybe this angel is mine.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
COMPULSIVE SLOT GAMBLER NEEDS EXCITEMENT
If there is one thing my years in counseling brought to light, it is my need for excitement. I like things to be changing and unexpected. It doesn't need to be a big deal. Just rearranging the furniture can be exciting.
But one night boredom set in and I started going to the local casino. It was lazy of me. All I had to do was sit there and be stimulated. If I had known my brain could be rearranged by this activity, things would be different today.
I was able to play the slot machine hour after hour, waiting for that thrilling moment when it would do the unexpected. The first machine to thoroughly entertain me was "Cleopatra". Wow, 15 free spins during which a jackpot could be won. And, the colors were beautiful to me. She had green eyes, purple eye shadow and flowers that curled around her.
I played it night after night.
So now the hours not gambling are being filled with this blog and creating watercolor and wax paintings. Lifting the wax paper off the watercolor paper and seeing the unexpected results is exciting.
Today I've set Cleopatra on fire. The Queen of Egypt has lost her magic for me the last 33 days and I hope for years to come.
But one night boredom set in and I started going to the local casino. It was lazy of me. All I had to do was sit there and be stimulated. If I had known my brain could be rearranged by this activity, things would be different today.
I was able to play the slot machine hour after hour, waiting for that thrilling moment when it would do the unexpected. The first machine to thoroughly entertain me was "Cleopatra". Wow, 15 free spins during which a jackpot could be won. And, the colors were beautiful to me. She had green eyes, purple eye shadow and flowers that curled around her.
I played it night after night.
So now the hours not gambling are being filled with this blog and creating watercolor and wax paintings. Lifting the wax paper off the watercolor paper and seeing the unexpected results is exciting.
Today I've set Cleopatra on fire. The Queen of Egypt has lost her magic for me the last 33 days and I hope for years to come.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
AT THE FLIP OF A SWITCH THERE IS MONEY IN MY POCKET
As a compulsive gambler very little money was spent outside the casino. If my hair was too long I cut it myself and pocketed the money given to me for a salon visit and set out for the casino. My health was neglected. That might cost money. Money was just what I used to feed the slot to get the high. Then the high was gone and I would need more money unless I had a good machine that played give and take for a long period of time. The result was always the same though. It was a rare occasion to leave the casino with any money.
As you might expect, taking care of the family bills and finances got harder and harder through the years. Eventually it was all used up. Money in savings, money from credit, fresh money from refinancing, money from yesterdays paycheck, money from the payday loans....all gone. How could I have done that? One day that frozen part of my brain will start to thaw out.
Some compulsive gamblers can pinpoint when the switch got flipped and money was not real but just a means to a feeling, a means to escape. I can't. I do know that for me it flipped back again on Nov. 7th, 2013. Today's counter number is 29. The switch hasn't blinked in 29 days. I know that's unusual and I need to be alert for a trigger that will make it blink.
Yesterday while browsing in the "trash store" as I call them, I saw a treasure I wanted and I had money in my pocket. What a thrill! To celebrate I post this balloon bouquet to thank the people who helped me push that switch.
As you might expect, taking care of the family bills and finances got harder and harder through the years. Eventually it was all used up. Money in savings, money from credit, fresh money from refinancing, money from yesterdays paycheck, money from the payday loans....all gone. How could I have done that? One day that frozen part of my brain will start to thaw out.
Some compulsive gamblers can pinpoint when the switch got flipped and money was not real but just a means to a feeling, a means to escape. I can't. I do know that for me it flipped back again on Nov. 7th, 2013. Today's counter number is 29. The switch hasn't blinked in 29 days. I know that's unusual and I need to be alert for a trigger that will make it blink.
Yesterday while browsing in the "trash store" as I call them, I saw a treasure I wanted and I had money in my pocket. What a thrill! To celebrate I post this balloon bouquet to thank the people who helped me push that switch.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
THE LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY
I think of my gambling history as being divided. The first half ended when I banned myself in October 2004 for 5 years and was abstinent for a few years. I had been an emotional mess for months prior to the ban. The family had slowly come to the realization that something needed to be done. The behavior I exhibited was completely out of character and "I" was disappearing.
Our credit was maxed out and we had to use a credit counseling service to get back on our feet. The debts were paid through them in one large payment. I was still the bill payer of the household and after 2 years we refinanced the house and paid off the counseling service. We were on the right path again. Or so it seemed.
Education is the key to this disease and I had none. Learning that I was just abstaining and not recovering was interesting news, learned after my reentry into compulsive gambling. In this half of my gambling career I was stubborn I think. My old self had never really re-appeared.
In my 4th year of the first ban I entered counseling for compulsive gamblers. The agency recommended an inpatient program but an intensive outpatient program was chosen, which was group therapy and also individual therapy. It went well until I became complacent and ignored advice. A trip to the casino to drop off visitors and family members triggered a slip-up and a trip to the casino.
The truth is that from 2008 to Nov. 7th 2013 I had many slip-ups. During the subsequent counseling I was learning new things in group therapy from others when sharing . It was like I was 2 people. My brain functioned for both. I was learning a lot about the disease and having slip-ups. The 2nd brain said "Oh, payday loans, let's try that. We never did that before". And there were many more awful acts to obtain money.
The second self-ban is for 10 years but that did not stop me until 11/07/13. During these years my families talks did not stop me until 11/07/13. The counseling did not stop me until 11/07/13. In the beginning of my counseling it was made clear that recovery takes full commitment and honesty. I'm ready to do that. I did not stop me until 11/07/13.
It took all of that to get me where I am today. Many compulsive gamblers aren't so lucky, didn't have these tools or the family to help. I truly believe I could be dead or in jail today without every one of these parts. Words cannot fully express my joy and thank yous these last 25 days. When will I be recovered? Never. I'll always be in recovery and glad to be there.
Our credit was maxed out and we had to use a credit counseling service to get back on our feet. The debts were paid through them in one large payment. I was still the bill payer of the household and after 2 years we refinanced the house and paid off the counseling service. We were on the right path again. Or so it seemed.
Education is the key to this disease and I had none. Learning that I was just abstaining and not recovering was interesting news, learned after my reentry into compulsive gambling. In this half of my gambling career I was stubborn I think. My old self had never really re-appeared.
In my 4th year of the first ban I entered counseling for compulsive gamblers. The agency recommended an inpatient program but an intensive outpatient program was chosen, which was group therapy and also individual therapy. It went well until I became complacent and ignored advice. A trip to the casino to drop off visitors and family members triggered a slip-up and a trip to the casino.
The truth is that from 2008 to Nov. 7th 2013 I had many slip-ups. During the subsequent counseling I was learning new things in group therapy from others when sharing . It was like I was 2 people. My brain functioned for both. I was learning a lot about the disease and having slip-ups. The 2nd brain said "Oh, payday loans, let's try that. We never did that before". And there were many more awful acts to obtain money.
The second self-ban is for 10 years but that did not stop me until 11/07/13. During these years my families talks did not stop me until 11/07/13. The counseling did not stop me until 11/07/13. In the beginning of my counseling it was made clear that recovery takes full commitment and honesty. I'm ready to do that. I did not stop me until 11/07/13.
It took all of that to get me where I am today. Many compulsive gamblers aren't so lucky, didn't have these tools or the family to help. I truly believe I could be dead or in jail today without every one of these parts. Words cannot fully express my joy and thank yous these last 25 days. When will I be recovered? Never. I'll always be in recovery and glad to be there.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
Last night about 11 P.M. I went grocery shopping and when it was time to pay I used the $50.00 gift card my husband gave me a few weeks ago. I had to smile to myself as I left. I hadn't sold the gift card for gambling money. How much simpler my life has become. I'm very thankful to my family for helping me overcome my disease.
I've changed the counter to 20 days. :)
I've changed the counter to 20 days. :)
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
READING THE SMALL PRINT
When I was diagnosed with restless leg syndrome (RLS) in 2008, I had not disclosed my gambling history with my doctor. It had been about 3 years since banning myself and I received no treatment for compulsive gambling during that time. The compulsion seemed to be out of my life.
Looking through my prescription records of 2008 I found the Mirapex starter kit and the drug company literature. It does disclose a warning of pathological gambling, hyper-sexuality and compulsive eating. We are responsible for ourselves and I failed to recognize the significance of the information.
But who is to say the drug sent me back to gambling? It could have been some other trigger. I will have to beware of triggers sending me back to the casino the rest of my life.
I have tried alternative relief for the RLS without success. This is a complication for my recovery.
So I have known about this side effect of the drug Mirapex since sometime in 2009 when I was in IOP or intensive outpatient group therapy and individual therapy. This is 2013. What's taken me so long to be in recovery?
Looking through my prescription records of 2008 I found the Mirapex starter kit and the drug company literature. It does disclose a warning of pathological gambling, hyper-sexuality and compulsive eating. We are responsible for ourselves and I failed to recognize the significance of the information.
But who is to say the drug sent me back to gambling? It could have been some other trigger. I will have to beware of triggers sending me back to the casino the rest of my life.
I have tried alternative relief for the RLS without success. This is a complication for my recovery.
So I have known about this side effect of the drug Mirapex since sometime in 2009 when I was in IOP or intensive outpatient group therapy and individual therapy. This is 2013. What's taken me so long to be in recovery?
Monday, November 25, 2013
MY COMPULSIVE GAMBLING HISTORY
I became a regular gambler sometime between 2000 and April 2004 and became a different person. I knew I should seek help. I told a nurse practitioner in my doctor's office of this concern. Upon being questioned it was suggested I might be depressed. I agreed to try the drug wellbutrin. I never mentioned my gambling activities.
By August of that year I was a mess. Credit cards were maxed, monthly bills were not paid on time and I spent a lot of time moving money around. I was the bill payer of the family and my explanations for creditor phone calls were always believable. Mail was tossed in a grocery bag in the back seat of my car. By the time my family realized there was a big problem, I had 5 or 6 sacks of mail back there. I felt like "I" was disappearing.
I cried as I drove to the casino because I knew it was wrong and I cried driving home because I had no money. All my nights and lunch time too was spent at the casino. At my families suggestion I sought counseling and banned myself in my home state 10/30/04. It was a 5 year ban of self exclusion until 10/31/09.
The counselor was chosen from a list approved by our insurance. After 2 or 3 visits it was clear to me she had never treated a gambler before. I described my life in my car and casino activities. "Don't you have a inner voice telling you to stop?" she asked?
I went to 1 group meeting for compulsive gamblers and reported back to family that all they do is hold hands and sing. That was not for me. I can quit by myself I told them. And I did until 2008. I never knew what this disease was all about and never knew I was a compulsive gambler.
It was early 2008 and for the second time I awoke from deep sleep and had no vision, was weak and nauseous. I called the RN at the help line. The advise was, call my doctor in the morning. A sleep study was ordered and my doctor advised the test was incomplete. My restless leg syndrome would need to be treated first and then repeat the sleep study.
The RLS medication was prescribed and I began taking Mirapex in June 2008. A few months later I got the brilliant idea of visiting a casino out of state. I was terrified I'd go to jail if caught in one in my state during the ban. By the end of the year I was making regular trips out of state to gamble. My habit took off from where it had stopped.
The abstinence years in between did not seem to have existed. I was back in financial trouble fast. Once again my family became involved. An intervention meeting occurred. I could lose privileges? Take away my car keys? Not see my grand children? Whoa there, what are your conditions, I asked.
Condition 1 was to tell my doctor. Condition 2 involved getting a therapist. Any more gambling and they would no longer trust me to be alone with the grand children for fear I'd leave them alone.
My doctor made some calls and found me a therapy service only for compulsive gamblers. I went into intensive therapy sessions 3 times a week and began learning about this disease. After a few weeks my therapist asked what medications I was taking. She asked if I knew mirapex
could promote pathological gambling. Whaaaaat?
By August of that year I was a mess. Credit cards were maxed, monthly bills were not paid on time and I spent a lot of time moving money around. I was the bill payer of the family and my explanations for creditor phone calls were always believable. Mail was tossed in a grocery bag in the back seat of my car. By the time my family realized there was a big problem, I had 5 or 6 sacks of mail back there. I felt like "I" was disappearing.
I cried as I drove to the casino because I knew it was wrong and I cried driving home because I had no money. All my nights and lunch time too was spent at the casino. At my families suggestion I sought counseling and banned myself in my home state 10/30/04. It was a 5 year ban of self exclusion until 10/31/09.
The counselor was chosen from a list approved by our insurance. After 2 or 3 visits it was clear to me she had never treated a gambler before. I described my life in my car and casino activities. "Don't you have a inner voice telling you to stop?" she asked?
I went to 1 group meeting for compulsive gamblers and reported back to family that all they do is hold hands and sing. That was not for me. I can quit by myself I told them. And I did until 2008. I never knew what this disease was all about and never knew I was a compulsive gambler.
It was early 2008 and for the second time I awoke from deep sleep and had no vision, was weak and nauseous. I called the RN at the help line. The advise was, call my doctor in the morning. A sleep study was ordered and my doctor advised the test was incomplete. My restless leg syndrome would need to be treated first and then repeat the sleep study.
The RLS medication was prescribed and I began taking Mirapex in June 2008. A few months later I got the brilliant idea of visiting a casino out of state. I was terrified I'd go to jail if caught in one in my state during the ban. By the end of the year I was making regular trips out of state to gamble. My habit took off from where it had stopped.
The abstinence years in between did not seem to have existed. I was back in financial trouble fast. Once again my family became involved. An intervention meeting occurred. I could lose privileges? Take away my car keys? Not see my grand children? Whoa there, what are your conditions, I asked.
Condition 1 was to tell my doctor. Condition 2 involved getting a therapist. Any more gambling and they would no longer trust me to be alone with the grand children for fear I'd leave them alone.
My doctor made some calls and found me a therapy service only for compulsive gamblers. I went into intensive therapy sessions 3 times a week and began learning about this disease. After a few weeks my therapist asked what medications I was taking. She asked if I knew mirapex
could promote pathological gambling. Whaaaaat?
Saturday, November 23, 2013
BUFFALO ON FIRE
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| Watercolor and Wax Painting |
The counter has changed to 15 days. Yes!
Friday, November 22, 2013
LIES, SECRETS AND BROKEN PROMISES
It's such a wonderful feeling to wake up in the morning now. I still open my eyes in a panic. My thoughts turn to money but then it hits me. I don't need slot money today. I didn't lie yesterday. I don't do that anymore. I don't. I feel free today.
Before I stopped gambling my first thoughts always involved money in some way. Where would I get money to play today? When could I go to play. What lie or secret do I have to cover up today.
This morning it was hard to believe that I changed the counter to 14 days. Wow, that's 2 weeks! I've felt free for 2 weeks!
In the past I have made promises to myself, my husband, my family and did not keep them. For instance I'd promised to not initiate any more "payday loans". I broke that promise more than once. I revealed those transactions one at a time but only because they needed to be paid.
My family has bailed me out countless times and I realize they should not have done so. I hope when they see the day counter number increase they can believe it to be true. I want to regain their trust but is that possible? Perhaps I've lied too much and broken too many promises.
I love my family. Their belief that I can do this gave me the strength to begin my new life.
Before I stopped gambling my first thoughts always involved money in some way. Where would I get money to play today? When could I go to play. What lie or secret do I have to cover up today.
This morning it was hard to believe that I changed the counter to 14 days. Wow, that's 2 weeks! I've felt free for 2 weeks!
In the past I have made promises to myself, my husband, my family and did not keep them. For instance I'd promised to not initiate any more "payday loans". I broke that promise more than once. I revealed those transactions one at a time but only because they needed to be paid.
My family has bailed me out countless times and I realize they should not have done so. I hope when they see the day counter number increase they can believe it to be true. I want to regain their trust but is that possible? Perhaps I've lied too much and broken too many promises.
I love my family. Their belief that I can do this gave me the strength to begin my new life.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Be Aware Not to Trade 1 Addiction for Another!
Friday and Saturday I ate everything in sight. Is it just because I have more money in my pocket? Normally a few dollars in the purse would have me planning a trip to gamble. Now my money is growing. So, did I purchase treats just because I had the means?
Or, am I eating to replace the gambling? It's too early to tell. I have lost 30 lbs. since March due to increased activity and I don't wish to gain that back.
Perhaps this is a good time to list my goals. I've been asked ("What do you want to do if you are not gambling?). Gambling takes a lot of energy. Planning where to get the money. Finding the time to escape. Covering up the casino activity can be exhausting. Something must replace it.
In the past, before I was consumed by this disease, the house was reasonably clean and I loved to decorate it. Now, where do I start? Dirt, clutter and unfinished projects have taken over.
My first priority will be the family.
#1. Cleanup and organize.
#2. Lose more weight. 30 lbs.
#3. Take care of my health.
#4. Finish projects in progress.
#5. Start new projects.
I may have more things for this list later.
Or, am I eating to replace the gambling? It's too early to tell. I have lost 30 lbs. since March due to increased activity and I don't wish to gain that back.
Perhaps this is a good time to list my goals. I've been asked ("What do you want to do if you are not gambling?). Gambling takes a lot of energy. Planning where to get the money. Finding the time to escape. Covering up the casino activity can be exhausting. Something must replace it.
In the past, before I was consumed by this disease, the house was reasonably clean and I loved to decorate it. Now, where do I start? Dirt, clutter and unfinished projects have taken over.
My first priority will be the family.
#1. Cleanup and organize.
#2. Lose more weight. 30 lbs.
#3. Take care of my health.
#4. Finish projects in progress.
#5. Start new projects.
I may have more things for this list later.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
OLD HABITS DIE HARD
Today I look in my coin purse and see a few dollars and think about heading to the casino.
Yesterday there were many times my brain reminded me what it feels like to play the slots.
Late last night my brain said get in the car. I know the way to your escape home.
I know there will be lots of moments that will pop in my head and remind me of playing the slots but I don't do that anymore.
I don't do that anymore!
I don't.
I look forward to increasing the day counter tomorrow. Yes!
Yesterday there were many times my brain reminded me what it feels like to play the slots.
Late last night my brain said get in the car. I know the way to your escape home.
I know there will be lots of moments that will pop in my head and remind me of playing the slots but I don't do that anymore.
I don't do that anymore!
I don't.
I look forward to increasing the day counter tomorrow. Yes!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
GAMBLING HISTORY
The memories of gambling started very early. Not that I played, but I accompanied my grandmother, aunt, and mother to many bingo games as a young child. As an adult, the occasional visit to the newly opened casinos several hours from home, with my mother and cousins, continued a few times a year.
More than 14 years ago, after the children were grown and with no close family members, I was bored and so the casino seemed like a perfect place to visit. My nightly visits after the household was asleep occurred several times a week with none the wiser that I was sneaking out with growing regularity.
Usually I played the 10 or 25 cent slots. Wandering into the high roller area and playing a dollar slot was a fluke, so when the slot froze I was confused. The attendant rushed over and said "Do you know what you've won?". I had a jackpot of $10,000.00.
Wow! That morning I woke up my husband, threw money on the bed, and was beaming as I related the experience. I shared the wealth and we soon had a brand new television.
Was that the turning point?
More than 14 years ago, after the children were grown and with no close family members, I was bored and so the casino seemed like a perfect place to visit. My nightly visits after the household was asleep occurred several times a week with none the wiser that I was sneaking out with growing regularity.
Usually I played the 10 or 25 cent slots. Wandering into the high roller area and playing a dollar slot was a fluke, so when the slot froze I was confused. The attendant rushed over and said "Do you know what you've won?". I had a jackpot of $10,000.00.
Wow! That morning I woke up my husband, threw money on the bed, and was beaming as I related the experience. I shared the wealth and we soon had a brand new television.
Was that the turning point?
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Gambling addict wins a jackpot and loses but is still a winner!
November 7th, last Thursday was payday and I needed to win big using a small amount of money. I needed to leave the casino with $1000.00. This amount was crucial to pay back a family member and my negative bank balance. (We'll ignore all the rest of the money to the negative for the moment.)
So, I headed off to my local casino by myself with $60.00. An hour later and I'm broke. So, off to my "payday loan" company it is. I reinvented the present loan and was shortly on my way with $250.00
I've only got 30 minutes left!!!!! I'm down to $150!!!! My favorite penny buffalo is suddenly free. Hey, I've won $400 on this one in the past. I'm an optimist.
Fifteen minutes to go and I get the bonus round. I'm playing 4 lines times 4 (not thinking of the consequences because I'm banned from being in the casino in the first place).
Suddenly, I see dozens of buffalo...OMG...927 dollars of them. I start wishing the dang free games would not produce any more matches and be over. But, golden coins kept coming and adding free games. There were more matches and buffaloes. It ended and the dreaded words appeared. "call the attendant, you have won a jackpot!" I won about $1300.00. I think. My mind froze a few seconds.
It was so hard to get out of that seat and leave. But I did. I walked straight to my car and left crying all the way home.
I didn't want to go to jail. This experience, a recent heart to heart talk with my daughter and a talk with my husband has ended my slot machine career. I'm so lucky to still have a family because I've been addicted a long time.
So, I headed off to my local casino by myself with $60.00. An hour later and I'm broke. So, off to my "payday loan" company it is. I reinvented the present loan and was shortly on my way with $250.00
I've only got 30 minutes left!!!!! I'm down to $150!!!! My favorite penny buffalo is suddenly free. Hey, I've won $400 on this one in the past. I'm an optimist.
Fifteen minutes to go and I get the bonus round. I'm playing 4 lines times 4 (not thinking of the consequences because I'm banned from being in the casino in the first place).
Suddenly, I see dozens of buffalo...OMG...927 dollars of them. I start wishing the dang free games would not produce any more matches and be over. But, golden coins kept coming and adding free games. There were more matches and buffaloes. It ended and the dreaded words appeared. "call the attendant, you have won a jackpot!" I won about $1300.00. I think. My mind froze a few seconds.
It was so hard to get out of that seat and leave. But I did. I walked straight to my car and left crying all the way home.
I didn't want to go to jail. This experience, a recent heart to heart talk with my daughter and a talk with my husband has ended my slot machine career. I'm so lucky to still have a family because I've been addicted a long time.
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