THE LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY

I think of my gambling history as being divided.  The first half ended when I banned myself in October 2004 for 5 years and was abstinent for a few years.  I had been an emotional mess for months prior to the ban.  The family had slowly come to the realization that something needed to be done.  The behavior I exhibited was completely out of character and  "I" was disappearing.

Our credit was maxed out and we had to use a credit counseling service to  get back on our feet.  The debts were paid through them in one large payment.  I was still the bill payer of the household and after 2 years we refinanced the house and paid off the counseling service.  We were on the right path again. Or so it seemed.

Education is the key to this disease and I had none.  Learning that I was just abstaining and not recovering was interesting news,  learned after my reentry into compulsive gambling.  In this half of my gambling  career I was stubborn I think.  My old self had never really re-appeared.

In my 4th year of the first ban I entered counseling for compulsive gamblers.  The agency recommended an inpatient program but an intensive outpatient program was chosen, which was group therapy and also individual therapy. It went well until I became complacent and ignored advice.  A trip to the casino to drop off visitors and family members triggered a slip-up and a trip to the casino.

The truth is that from 2008 to Nov. 7th 2013 I had many slip-ups.  During the subsequent counseling I was learning new things in group therapy from others when sharing . It was like I was 2 people.  My brain functioned for both.  I was learning a lot about the disease and having slip-ups.  The 2nd brain said "Oh, payday loans, let's try that.  We never did that before".  And there were many more awful acts to obtain money.

The second self-ban is for 10 years but that did not stop me until 11/07/13.  During these years my families talks did not stop me until 11/07/13.  The counseling did not stop me until 11/07/13.   In the beginning of my counseling it was made clear that recovery takes full commitment and honesty.  I'm ready to do that.  I did not stop me until 11/07/13.

It took all of that to get me where I am today.  Many compulsive gamblers aren't so lucky, didn't have these tools or the family to help.  I truly believe I could be dead or in jail today without every one of these parts.  Words cannot fully express my joy and thank yous  these last 25 days.  When will I be recovered?  Never.  I'll always be in recovery and glad to be there.