Two hundred twenty six days ago that's exactly where I was. I wasn't sure vicious was the right word to use but one meaning is dangerous. I was in danger. Danger of losing my family or going to jail or being so despondent I would take my life.
I worry that someone actively struggling with this addiction would stumble upon my blog, read my current posts related to making dolls from used items or working on my photography and think this blog can't be about addiction.
But it is about addiction. Years of therapy helped me through to this day. I recall one night in group therapy we had a new attendee and after we went around the circle describing our week our therapist explained to her that she must not be put off by all our joking and laughter. We had all been in a darker place as she and our experiences have many similarities. You see this person had everything she owned in her car and did not know where she would spend the night. She was in pain and we were making light of our pain.
When I changed the counter to 226 days today I had skipped a day. You see my grandchildren are with us for a few days and I missed yesterday's counter change. It's a blessing to have my grandchildren in my life. I very well may have lost that privilege some years ago because their parents could not count on my behavior were I alone with them. They worried I would leave them and go to the casino.
I want to remember all the pain, anguish, guilt and shame of all my dark days because it helps me stay on my path to recovery. The addiction will always be a part of my life and I must guard against triggers that would take me back.
COUNT WITH JANE________ I count the days without a visit to the casino and share my gambling history.
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