I HAVE BEEN ROBBED

It's been a long time since I've changed the counter or typed a post. Ever since my last post my main activity has been getting ready for Christmas.

Decorating the house inside and outside, painting watercolors for sale on EBAY, shopping for items at the resale stores for my White Elephant Christmas game have occupied all my time. The grand-kids came over and we made a few new ornaments for their tree.

I've been determined to have a paperless Christmas and so all 70 plus items for the game are in Christmas boxes. All the personal gifts to family are without wrapping paper to tear off too.

I haven't been this involved for a long time and that is why I say I've been robbed. It's evident in so many ways. I was a different person during all those gambling years and that was not who I am. I am this current involved person.

One other example of what I've lost is when I opened the Christmas seal box and all the memories of my cousin who passed at the height of that lost period,

came to me.  I had no money to travel home to see her when she was diagnosed with cancer or when she passed. We spoke on the phone and I shared my addiction to her but I wasn't there to support her or her family.

All I can do now is look inside that box and remember how we played with those seals at Christmas as children. I see her as my Maid of Honor at my wedding and countless other times in our lives. I miss her very much.

It's Christmas Eve and I can't wait to have all my family with me tomorrow. It should be a crazy day with friends here as well, and lots of cheer, food and fun. Merry Christmas everybody.

DON'T GIVE UP, YOU CAN TRY, TRY AGAIN

I had a great time at my art and craft fair even though I only sold 5 items and the total did not exceed the entry fee.  My watercolor paintings sold for over $75.00 this month and I'm happy about that.

There are a great many things to do throughout this season and I take great joy in doing them without the pressure of my brain reminding me that it's time to plan a trip to my local casino. I'm so very grateful to my husband and family for being here for me during this past year and now into the second year.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We were blessed to have our family and guests here to share a wonderful day.

Art Craft Sale

NOW I'M JUST SELF-EMPLOYED

Well now, I make the rules, huh?  So, 5 days a week I will work 8 hours a day?  I'll need a big calendar to jot down time spent working. That could get tedious going from one website to another and judging, was that work or pleasure?

What else will I need?  So, I'll walk to my office in the dining room when the spirit moves me in my nightgown and socks. OK, I need coffee, dog bones so the dog will stop pesting me. Should I have a sign "at work" or will it be obvious I'm working if I don't answer when talked to? After all, I can't chew gum and walk or talk at the same time. That's why I stopped chewing gum.

I will allow eating at my desk, sleeping at my desk and drinking at my desk. Hey, I like this rule making process.

Last rule for now is... talking is only allowed in my head. I could rename this blog, "Head Talks". That's catchy.

Do you want to see me working? Okay!

MY BIG NEWS FLASH

This is my last week in my current job as a deli worker. I do however have my self-employment job and I made $75.00 this past weekend. After the Arts and Crafts Show the 22nd I must seek new employment.  Hopefully this time it will be a true part-time job, only 20 hours a week.

Of course I had doubts about giving up a job I already have but I woke up this morning and my right hand, the scrubbing hand, is red, stiff and hurts, so I have made the correct decision to take care of me first.

Moving along, I must mail my artwork off to new homes today. I'm feeling better about that than in the past. After all, I can still look at their pictures. Isn't digital photography wonderful?

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Should yesterday's failure to post on this blog get me down?  No, I refuse to let that happen. "Try harder", is a good answer to myself.  "Don't give up", sounds like a good pep talk phrase.

The other day I was helping my mother and after several tries she said, " never mind".  I asked her why does she give up so easy?  Mothers and daughters, now there's a kettle of worms. They can be so alike but so different at the same time.

If I give notice at work today, am I giving up or taking care of myself and my health?

Failure to take care of my teeth resulted in a root canal and crown yesterday and I spent four hours in the dentist chair, not to mention the money it cost.  It didn't seem like 4 hours so I'm pretty sure I must have had a nap during that time.  Brush and floss, bush and floss, brush and floss......
 
My garden needs lots of attention but I've been invaded by spiders. It's fascinating to look at them and their webs but icky too.  I hate the thought of annihilating their world but it must be done.

Okay, my computer froze but now after I worked all day I can finish this post.  Big news to come in the morning!

ONE YEAR APPROACHING, IS IT TIME FOR A CELEBRATION?

I think not. Every day since Nov 7th, 2013 has been a celebration. I wake up in the morning or during the night, any time for that matter, and don't have to panic to remember what there is to do that day to cover up or prepare for my gambling.

These days I wake up and wonder if the aroma of coffee is in the air or is it a work day and did I launder my work clothes. Hardly concerns that make my heart race faster or have my thoughts speed racing ahead.

It's a nice way to wake up but I suspect I need to jump up in the morning these days and wonder... is it Nov. 22 and are my dolls ready?  Did I paint enough?  Is my display perfect?

Here are 2 new dolls I think are ready for sale. I have not determined a name for the dolls yet. I discovered that the name I had picked out was the name of a TV show.  I'm not a TV addict but thankfully Google knew!  OK,. back to work for me

ONE YEAR MARK APPROACHES

Today begins 3 scheduled days off in a row! However they are work days for the craft fair which is the 22nd of this month. I plan to work hard because there is much to do.

This week is also important because Saturday, the 8th of November means I change the counter to 365 days or ONE YEAR!

I want to post every day this week.  That's my challenge for the blog.

I do have another challenge at work and that is to stay employed, not quit. This gets harder and harder due to the inadequacies of my department. We do not have enough workers which results in 8 hours of "body in motion" mode. There must be an easier way to make $400.00 to $800.00 a month.

My third challenge is to make a complete list of all that is needed for my sale day. Top of the list is to request the day off. I must speak to personnel dept.

Alrighty then, I'll get started!

I'M APPROVED FOR THE ARTS AND CRAFTS FAIR SO IT'S FULL STEAM AHEAD

I have the paper and paint to create lots of watercolors and the inventory to build lots of dolls and bird-nests.  Today I'm going to look into a new place to have my greeting cards printed. Everything must fit on a table and I need to think about the presentation features of the table as well as a business card.

That's six things. Piece of cake? Maybe, although those 6 things each has it's own list of innumerable items but, WHAT A CHALLENGE. 

It's good for my brain to create new pathways and push the old gambling paths to the rear to get thinner, smaller and hard to reach. I understand they will always be there and I must be aware if one should pop-up like those midway targets games.

For instance I could be driving down the highway and a billboard indicates the next exit goes to the casino. Three hundred and fifty days ago I automatically turned and went in that door. Today those signs don't even draw my attention. I'm so busy and that is a key offense against this disease. I've replaced casino time with something I like to do.

PASS OR FAIL, I AWAIT MY FATE

I submitted my art and crafts to the jury of the fair and no answer yet.  I've also listed a few watercolors for sale so it looks like my slump is over there.

I continue to be discouraged with my job. The 8 hour shifts drain me and it seems to take longer and longer for my body to snap back. That's the first problem.

The second problem is having sufficient time to paint and craft and see if I could sell enough to replace the job.

Now I'm closing to bake my wonderful husband a Crazy Cake for his birthday.

STOP LOOK AND LISTEN?

Three hundred thirty six days on the counter.   That's a lot of days I missed changing the counter while I worked 5 days in a row and now had a few days off.  I also did not list any paintings for sale in that time.  I didn't write any posts in all that time.

This is the stop part of the morning. What is going on with me? Why haven't I changed the counter, written a post or painted?  Well, I'm focused on getting ready for a juried art and craft fair. I'm stuck on getting my tax ID number. I better figure it out.

What is the look part of the morning? Hm... Yesterday was payday and last night I looked at the receipt which paid off a "Title Loan" taken out during my active gambling days. Yea! I've been making those payments every payday but was accompanied. Yesterday I went alone to make the payment, after cashing my check. This is not the first time I went alone during the last 336 days but I feel good that yesterday was one of those days.

Now for the listen portion of my morning.... My tinnitus is active this morning, I can hear that.  Street noises can be heard in the background, a motorcycle, cars, airplane, our dishwasher too. Thank you husband, for all the things you do for me and us.

HERE IT IS, THE DAY YOU MAY SAY TO YOURSELF, I'LL BE READY THIS YEAR!

It's the last day of September, the second day off for me this week.  It's push and pull, tug and shove, get ready time. I don't need to list all the activities the next 3 months bring. Everyone has a favorite special event to prepare for by the end of the year, I'm sure.

Too bad I need to work the next 5 days in a row because I'm ready to finish a few dolls, get my artwork lined up for mats, meet with the art show committee to be approved for a booth and make a few bird nests in a bowl.

That's the calm before the storm because there are family birthdays, Halloween, and my special White Elephant Gift Exchange project for December.

I made a doll for myself and I'm trying to decide if she should be on a pedestal or not.  I can easily see that she would hold more jewelry on a stand. The question is sturdiness.

She's my harlequin doll, ALL GROWN UP, and holding my jewels!

IT'S SCORPION SEASON BUT i'M ON GUARD EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR

Upon getting home from work at seven-thirty last night, I reached for the knob on the door from the garage to the house. To my surprise a nice big, 3 inch plus tail, scorpion was sitting on the wall at the door frame, eye level.

Now my arms were full of other things including a new 44 oz. drink and I thoughtfully screamed thinking help would arrive. None did. I freed one arm.

Spying a clear plastic bottle of water on the floor, I picked it up and pinned the bug under the bottle bottom. So the water bottle was then perpendicular to the wall and it being clear I could see the scorpion squirm but the ridges prevented a kill.

I felt like I was playing that twister game as I reached under me for a flat surface to set the drink held in the other arm. It balanced on the window well of the car. Meanwhile my screaming and foot kicking to the door brought no help. I reach under me again and twist the handle, the door opens an inch and I yell for help again.

Finally help arrives and we can't think of a plan but he leaves and returns with a kitchen basket woven hot pot holder???   No, that won't do, I tell him and he leaves again returning with a 15 inch kitchen knife.  My eyes got bigger as I wondered what the plan is.

I see the blade flash and go through the bottle but the water spray surprises me and I scream again dropping everything.  Now, is he dead or has he run away to fight another day?

A flashlight locates him, my shoe strikes a final blow whether he needed it or not.

You might think I overreact when I come upon these ugly, prehistoric looking, pain causing arthropods. That's a badge I don't mind wearing.

WHERE THE BRAIN LEADS MAY NOT ALWAYS BE GOOD FOR ME

It's Sunday and I got to work for a 7-4 shift when the boss exclaimed "Why are you here?". Oh, I can go home to paint in a flash and that's what I did.  Some mix-up on the work computer and I love it. As I got on the freeway a blinking overhead sign read, "Right lane closed 3 miles ahead".

My next thought popped into my head faster than a blink. It was "How am I going to get to the casino then?".  Consciously, I had not even calculated that 3 miles ahead was the turnoff to my favorite frequently attended casino. It's been 317 days since I've been there.

My brain, directed by my disease, calculated it and alerted me in the off chance I would respond and be lured back to that bad habit. It's a good thing I've replaced that time consuming, money eating, life changing, brain altering disease with other activities.

So, I'm off to paint with my friend.

IT'S TIME FOR SEPTEMBER FAMILY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

Our family has 2 birthdays in September and tonight is the night.  It's at my home but how hard could it be to get the house ready?  It's my day off, the house was just cleaned for company last weekend, and I'm motivated to keep it clean for all the holidays coming up in the rest of the year.

This is the time of the year when it seems to pass in a flash but if I keep up the house perhaps things will seem slowed down. And, first things first, so I'd best get busy with........birthday cakes!

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO FORM A NEW HABIT?

This is bad...counter days were missed!  Once again the routine is coffee, blog counter, finish one thing before job or appointments or other scheduled events of the day.  I know I've done a post about this recently but obviously I've failed. I failed to keep  the schedule I previously made or I wouldn't have skipped counter days 306 and 307.  Let's find that post.

Found it! On August 7th 2014 I listed the order of the day. Coffee and change the blog counter. Next is to set the phone alarm to prepare for work or appointments so I'll be free to write a post for the blog without checking the clock constantly. Last before moving on to projects I need to finish one thing and I'll be feeling great about myself. That was over a month ago and this new habit should be solid.

Today I've had coffee, written out my work schedule for the next 2 weeks to post on the fridge, finished a painting for sale, and changed the blog counter,  hence realizing I did not do the blog counter for 2 days.

That last activity made me feel bad about myself, but should it?  If my first post was Nov. 12th 2013, I've had 301 days to get used to the counter habit. It's looking worse.  Hm. I cannot remember how long it takes to form a new habit but I know I've looked it up in the past. Well, here we go again.

This time I found a great article by James Clear (you can follow him at James Clear.Com) which appears in Huffpost Healthy Living. He wrote about the 21 days being the time to learn a new habit. He discovered it was Maxwell Maltz who put forth this idea. Apparently Maltz wrote in his book, "Psycho-Cybernetics" that a minimum of 21 days was needed for the old mental image to dissolve and be replaced with the new image of yourself. UH OH! 21 days?! I've failed!!!

But people skipped the important word before the number 21 in his book.  It's "Minimum".  Clear says  Health Psychology researcher, Phillipa Lally,  decided to follow 6 people over 12 weeks and each was to start a new habit. The Lally study indicates that it's actually 18-254 days or 2 to 8 months, not 21 days to learn a new habit.

This is good news for me, as researchers also found that missing 1 opportunity to perform the behavior does not materially affect the habit formation process. In other words it's okay if you mess up now and then.

This research is inspiring for 3 reasons, Clear states, first there is no reason to get down on yourself or judge yourself if you did not master the new habit in 21 days.

Second you don't have to be perfect, but indeed, give yourself permission to make mistakes. Developing strategy to get back on track is is good for you.

And third it reinforces the notion that  the longer timeline shows that doing a new habit is a process and not an event.

What have I learned?  I'm okay.  In fact I'm doing great!  I've messed up from time to time but that's okay.  Sometimes I mess up because I'm always thinking about painting and what to paint, or how to paint what I want to paint.

Today I will share one of the methods I use to paint my watercolors and find a subject to depict.  On a larger than normal size of paper I put down a first layer of paint. I will choose colors and add salt or stamps of leaves or throw alcohol into the paint. After it's dry I cut the paper into smaller sizes and study the painterly results. Here is one I look at every day to see if a subject strikes me to paint. So far I've seen a castle, a boat in a storm, underwater fish...Today I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I'll leave this first start painting as it is and keep a daily record of how I view the splatter, perhaps how I view myself.

10 A.M. 90 DEGREES, LOOKING FORWARD TO SEASONAL CHANGES

Everything is making me think of ROAD TRIPS. We took our guests on a little city tour but it wasn't a real ROAD TRIP.  Looking at my photography stored in the computer makes me want to get in the car and leave right now!

I can't wait for fall or winter weather in the higher country.  Changing of the leaves will be upon us soon and that means a trip to Sedona, then snow at the canyon. 

But right now I need to do a lot of work on my projects so I can enjoy the reward of a few ROAD TRIPS.

Here are 2 pictures from a trip to the canyon in 2010. The first picture has a few major things I appreciate, Hubby, birds, trees, and precipitation. Then we have the beautiful view Hubby is photographing.

The Grand Canyon, Arizona

A LITTLE RAIN POUNDING ON THE SKYLIGHTS WAS ALL IT TOOK

That was all it took to awaken me at 3A.M. and do a little patrolling.  Hooray, I spotted a scorpion on the ceiling by the skylight.  I had to get my tools out because I needed the single dead insect for show and tell in the morning.

Our guest saw my dead scorched scorpion collection in the laundry room globe fixture.  I guess they crawl in the space up in the rafters looking for food. They stumble into the light fixture which I keep lit, can't get out and die from the heat.

I kept the first one to show the grandchildren what to watch out for in my house. The trouble is there are too many now, to distinguish one clearly and our visitor was wishing to see one better. Well, I have provided, it's in a baggie.

The funny part is, it was just outside her bedroom door and I could barely reach it crawling on the high ceiling.  It waited while I collected my deadly attack force.

I think our guest has a scorpion angel who provided her weird request.  I can't find my phone but when I do......a picture is worth a thousand words.

ONE LAST DAY TO SPRUCE UP THE OLD HOMESTEAD!

Gee, those days wen by fast. I'd like to linger here and type away but work awaits and I'd better ring up my angel to have her send good vibes my way.

SPENDING TIME WITH A MOMENT IN TIME

This morning I spent time with a photo I took in 2010 on vacation and oh yes, it was a road trip!  One early September morning in Ouray, Colorado, I found a House Sparrow sitting on a branch, all fluffed and puffed up against the chilly air. He was so adorable and cozy looking as he unknowingly waited for me and my finger to snap his picture.

Now here it is 4 years later and I can look at him on my screen, recall exactly the time and place, see him and the day and other days of our trip, in my memory all over again.  My brain brings these moments up to the surface. What a miracle our brain is and the new technology we have to enhance it.

So, this morning I spent a few minutes with the sparrow photo, looking at him, using my computer applications to see him in a different way, using filters and cropping. What a gift it is to enjoy.  A gift my family gave by helping me through the bad days of my addiction. Tears of joy fill my eyes.

Looking like a watercolor picture

Original photo

JANE AND THE MIDNIGHT SCORPION

As promised I have worked on a pen and ink drawing with watercolors added.  I can recall many experiences with scorpions since moving into our house many years ago and so I've decided to recall those episodes in a cartoonish way.

                  WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND TODAY?               

           


            Good morning facebook.       It's 5 AM and I see Jane is sleeping in the recliner with pots of water under the legs.  We must have a scorpion loose in the house again.

Someone told her they could not swim.  While that may or may not be true, it is true they can hold their breath for four or more minutes at a time and they love to play possum.

She'll probably want to dismantle the office when she wakes up.  I'm sure the critter has moved on though.


Hubby

PAYDAY PROCESS SUCCESSFULLY COMLETED

The check has been cashed, payday loan has been paid, new undergarment purchased, dollar breakfast eaten, and remaining paycheck monies on husbands desk.

There was a time I couldn't have been counted on to do that. There was a bonus too. While driving I got a new idea for some pen and ink drawings. Hopefully I'll get one done after work and YOU can be the judge, yea or nay.

My pointer is missing now. Oh well. To continue, I get my best ideas while driving because my left brain is driving and my right brain thinks. I admit it's a little scary. This is why I like ROAD TRIPS! It works as a passenger too.

I really do need a ROAD TRIP!

Where is that crazy pointer?  I turned my cordless mouse off and on but it did not return. Maybe something happened when I drifted off for a few seconds. Ya think? I was blaming the dog for using the computer when my back is turned but......I could have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

TWELVE DAYS LEFT IN MY CLEANING COUNTDOWN!

The new schedule at work for the week of Sept 6th shows 40 hours again. I googled letters of resignation and was all set to quit my job yesterday. Hubby said no, you must have a new job before quitting the old one. I told the girls what he said and then told them I'm thinking of divorce. There was silence and then they got it and laughed their heads off.

They all think I'm funny and it's so hard trying to out funny myself. That's not what I need to be thinking about though, it's the "twelve days of cleaning" I need to concentrate on.  Isn't that a song?

Oh good, I'm getting a partridge in a pear tree today. Who would give me that? How about a quail in a tree? I painted one like that yesterday but don't like it.

"First things first" is the thought today again and I'll finish that painting now. I've got 2 days off. I can clean later. Can we spell "procrastinator"?

COUNTDOWN -17 DAYS LEFT TO HOUSECLEAN

I wish I could twirl and whirl around the house to clean it like I did some years ago. Cleaning the house in one day was the normal for me no matter which house it was. We moved a lot in the past providing many cleaning experiences.

Our first house had 5 tiny rooms so that was a breeze to de-clutter, redecorate and clean all in the same day. The most amazing thing about that house was the mortgage payment of $80.00. Alright, now you know I'm ancient.

There was the house we owned for 3 months, our second home. I worked and we had visitors during the 3 months so I know it got cleaned but for some reason the only room I remember is the kitchen. Trust me in knowing I never finished unpacking from the move. I do remember applying for the VA mortgage. Before we could get loan approval I had to write a letter declaring I had no plans to increase our family. What??? Yes, I actually had to do that.

The next house was a sprawling Texas  house with a huge yard that I loved. The living room and dining room were visible to anyone I opened the door to. Delivery men would take one glance and say, "oh, are you moving in or out?" I loved to reply "no" to both choices. The only thing in the living room was the Christmas tree and the dining room came with a chandelier. One year and done for that house. We never did furnish those rooms.

Oh, this is fun to revisit the houses, only 7 more to go I think. It gets confusing because they were mostly cross country moves. What makes it a challenge is the fact we lived in Virginia, the DC area, 5 different times if you count rentals and owned residences.

It doesn't take much to confuse me I guess. There were lengthy shopping mall trips that had me in a daze so when the moment came to picture where the car was parked ....it took a few nano seconds to figure out what city I was in. It's not my fault that all malls look alike.

Time to go clean something. I will continue this look back at my house cleaning history next post.

MORE THINGS THAT ANNOY ME!

I'm really not annoyed today, on this fine day off, but certain things do bother me.  I have finished a painting I'm 50% happy with the way it turned out, changed the counter, and I am on the second cup of coffee. Still....

1. Top of the list....tomorrow is a workday.  The very clever automated staffing system (I'm told) reassessed and they changed my schedule so, no 3 days off this week. They replaced one with 2 half days of work. The ASS needs an overhaul, how funny.

2. My doll puzzle making project is not making progress. I think the crowns and wings are bugging me. My inner voice says to work harder.

3. I hate it when I fall asleep at the computer. Sometimes I write gibberish where I shouldn't.  This morning I had to close several programs I didn't even know I had.

4. The dog takes advantage of me when I'm sleeping at the computer. The dog bone box is half empty. I must hand them out sleepwalking.

5.  I let my garden dysfunction. They tend to do that without enough water in this hot hot hot summer.

6. PPPPPP results. I'll let you figure out what all the "p" words are but that's what today brought. I really wanted to do a little road trip today. BooHoo

Sooo, the sad results are.... be happy you have a job, work harder, go to bed, plan better and hydrate yourself and the plants.

But really. Who could deny this dog a bone?

DID YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A TURKEY WITH IT'S HEAD CUT OFF?

You might be thinking whoa...it's chicken with it's head cut off!  Now I've never seen one of those but I have seen a turkey and it's not pretty. 

My uncle had a turkey farm and he raised them solely for sale at the holidays, fresh to folks in our small town.  On those seasonal weekends I would approach the side of the house where all the pens had been built and in between the 2 structures was a huge tree.

The soil below the tree covered in blood drew my attention but then my eyes moved up to the sight of the noisy turkey hanging by it's feet. My uncle grabbed his head and cut it off.  The turkey jerked and flapped around for a long time it seemed.

One day to experience the whole operation I trailed after my uncle to the basement of the house where huge tubs of steaming water awaited the headless bird and he was immersed into the hot water. After a few minutes all the feathers were plucked out, the little ones singed off and the nude, pale, headless creature was taken upstairs to my aunt who dressed the remains.

Thinking of the whole operation brings all of my senses to attention especially that of my nose because I can recall the smell of the innards taken out but much worse was the wet turkey feather smell. All of a sudden I'm back in the basement.  An odor most fowl.

Today being my day off after three workdays finds me like that turkey hanging from the tree.  I have a great many things I should do today but my mind is jerking from one thing to another and I do need to finish something so I'd better stop flapping my wings and get on with it. Besides, my second cup of coffee is gone and that's my limit.

Wild turkeys, north rim grand Canyon, Oct 2011

KEEPING THINGS ON THE BACK BURNER

Every so often something I keep on the back burner moves forward to the front of my brain and a burden is lifted that has been in storage.  I learned to do this as a child. 

For instance situations would arise and I did not know how to handle them so I'd wait to see if an answer would shine through and the problem would be solved.  I'm patient that way although it's not always the best way. 

This morning a back burner puzzle resurfaced as I changed the counter and perhaps if I review it, rethink it, fresh ideas will follow. It's the disclosure of money.  I've always intended to add up all the money I gambled away and put the total on the blog and begin subtracting money I've restored to the pot. A money counter on the blog would be a super addition.

I'm good at addition but it makes me cringe to actually think how I will retrieve the information. We are talking about years of paycheck dollars from both of us because I handled all the family finances. Plus 2 refinances of our mortgage, a second lien mortgage, two retirement accounts of mine, and my husbands retirement monies. Adding tallies from charge accounts gets complicated if I want to account for the debt we had before my disease started.

I've always known that retrieving all these records is the place to start but why do this if I don't have a windfall of income to begin repayment?  Maybe I'm just scared of facing the final figure.

Well, no burden has been lifted as I haven't solved the problem so I'll have to move this topic to the back burner again. In my world you can do that and it gives me space, frees my mind. First things first is the plan and I need to move on with the morning and finish something, a painting I think.

It was good to revisit this money thing though because it makes me even more determined to plug away with my projects.  I may be in the clouds again, dreaming, but it keeps me motivated.

Earth to Jane. Are you lost in the clouds and mist?

TIDBITS, ORGANIZATION, CHATTER AND NOISES

As I it at my desk area my swivel chair can face the laptop or do a 180 turn and face a 7 foot fifth leg antique dining table of my mother's which is filled with a lot of my projects.  These projects have kept me occupied the last 272 days.  My laptop sits on a 5 foot utility table and there are 2 of these end to end.

This is a lot of space and I am constantly trying to organize the projects I'm working on.  So, here are my rules of the day. First there is coffee and change the counter on the blog.

Secondly, I set the phone alarm if it's a workday as I have been known to get lost in space.  My friend once described me as living up on a cloud somewhere.  Now, I can type a blog post.

Thirdly, I'm trying to live by the rule of finishing one thing for the day before moving on to the normal activities of job, appointments, and daily living.

If I can do these little things I should be a happy camper.  Today I'm mailing a painting I've sold so this completes the rules of the ...morning!

As I've typed this post I've been listening to the faint noises of the day....ticking sounds from somewhere, my mother's TV from her room, the dog door flapping as he tries to follow all the outdoor activities in the neighborhood to guard the house.  I hear school buses go back and forth, neighbors cars leaving, and finally I hear my husband's voice from outside cheerfully chattering hellos and good mornings to neighbors as they take a morning walk or get in their car.

I love how sociable he is and always has been.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

I wrote the post title, it had popped into my head after minutes of deciding on my topic for today. After I typed it I wasn't really sure what it meant. So, of course I googled it and an article I read suggested it means, remember to prioritize what needs to be done.

I think that we automatically do "first things first".  But maybe I forget to apply it all the way down the line of the activity, whatever that may be. In my last post I mentioned the children were coming for a visit and we could do a Christmas project.

When the grandchildren arrived I set aside the thoughts of beginning to get ready for the December holidays.  They needed to get ready for the first day back to school.  Okay, first things first.

I remember how it was for me. My mother took me shopping about a week before school and she purchased 5 dresses for me, one for every day of the week. As a grandparent I wouldn't need to do the whole shebang, only supplement.  What fun we could have.  Their great-grandmother was the most enthusiastic of all.

The middle child, a 9 year old boy, immediately said, "I already have new shirts, I want to stay home." That worked for me because then I'd only be shopping with 2 kids. More importantly, who needs a party pooper anyway?  I'll pick out his shirt for him. See, in my head I was thinking one item for each child.

We started with the seven year old girl. All four of us begin to pull off dresses from the racks for her to try on and it began to occur to me that we did not set a limit of how many dresses, items she could choose. She wanted 4 dresses plus a purse and a headband. At that moment mother and I declared 2 dresses and ... gave in to the purse.

3rd grade dress,

 1 of five for that year.

The 13 year old boy had disappeared when we emerged from the dressing room.  We located him with an armload of brilliantly colored sport shirts for leisure, since he has a set code of apparel he wears at school.  Oh boy, did I mess this up by not doing first things first and set a limit?

To begin, we told him 2 articles of clothing since the girl had chosen 2 dresses. He had 4 shirts he liked. Without pause he says, "Can I price match with my sister? Let's go to the price check gadget."

I never used this method when shopping with his dad and aunt. The rule was each child got what they needed and it wasn't based on money.  But now I'm thinking my grandson's idea will be the thing to do in my present situation.  It will be the answer to fix my unpreparedness. He will have to choose whatever dollar amount of shirts verses her dollar amount of dresses. Great!

Ha! What a clever fellow. He went home with four shirts.  It was a terrific shopping trip and I am so fortunate  to spend time with them.

FINALLY A DAY OFF TO CATCH UP

Yesterday was so stressful at work I was ready to quit. Yes, quit. I held my breath and now it's a day later and I can add the E to the quit word. So, I'm not quite ready to do that---yet.

This is a good day to list all the positive things in my life and I might as well start the list with......

I'm lucky to have a job.

I have a fantastic family who has helped me through the worst life wrecking disease I have yet encountered.

It's so wonderful to type, drive the car, sleep, work, and many other things, without the pain, numbness of the carpel tunnel syndrome .

I shall continue this list tomorrow because I'm a lucky grandmother who's getting a visit from the children very shortly.

Wozzer, it's project time!  It's never too early to get ready for December.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY ANGELS

Upon arriving at work yesterday, I checked my schedule for the 10th time since my leave was over. My eyes focused on the three days off and 4 working days and I jumped for joy. I quickly looked at the next week and it was the same.

Oh yes, this is a big start to have more time to spend with my husband. 

JUMPING BEAN MADNESS

I feel like a jumping bean because I'm still trying to fit all my projects into the week now that I've returned to the work routine. 

I've sold paintings recently and put together several more doll puzzles while making some headway on how to make crowns and wings for them. 

The  grandchildren and I painted together this weekend.  I took mother and my friend to a movie, visited briefly on phone or in person with our children and now it's Monday and a workday.

While in counseling we had many discussions about my priorities and just what did I want for myself.  I was asked if I had friends to interact with because gamblers may have given up their friends. I do have one friend now who was out of state during my active gambling years.

We talked about what I would do with my time if I was not gambling.  That part of my recovery is okay I think.

What about my marriage, I was asked.  To continue down the gambling path I probably would not have a marriage much less a family.  And so, I chose.

My counselor asked me to read a book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.  We then discussed how my husband and I express love to each other and how we return that love by identifying what our partner wants in return.

I am failing miserably because it seems clear my husband wants time with me in this relationship.
Just the two of us off on a road trip maybe camping,or just a day trip, perhaps sitting side by side reading our books or out shooting pictures with our cameras.  Just us. 

I want that too, I just need to find a way to make it happen more frequently.

HOW MUCH DRAMA DOES ONE PERSON NEED?

If I spend 30 to 35 hours a week working at a job and that work is with 10 to 12 women for those hours, would I need to watch reality shows for more drama?  I don't think so.
 
If I could work with earmuffs on I might  tune in at home I suppose, but I'm sure it would not be anymore exciting than what I am entertained with all week. I'd forgotten about all the drama while I was recovering from surgery.

I can't wait to go to work today.

IT'S NOT HARD OR TIME CONSUMING

Of course I'm referring to changing the counter first thing everyday. Maybe it means I'm getting too complacent and that's not good. Now that I've brought the problem to the front of my brain we'll see what the next few days bring.

I'm back to work now and about to finish out the first week tomorrow.  All okay.

IT WAS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE AGAIN

I worried I would not remember how to do my job but it all came back to me.  The hard part will be reminding the schedulers that I am a part-time  employee.  They like to overlook that.  I will be forced to quit the first time 40 hours are assigned. 

Last week we squeezed in a visit to the botanical garden.  Before I went through the gate, two new fledglings perched on a branch under the huge canopy of a mature tree to enjoy the beautiful morning together.  I sure enjoyed the time spent with my partner that day.  Thank you for our morning.

LITTLE PUFF BALLS

ANOTHER ADDICT IN THE FAMILY

The dog is addicted to milk bones.  There, I've written it down.  It must be true.  He starts grumbling in his throat the minute I make a move toward the kitchen.  He then runs to the counter where the box of bones are and waits for me to catch up.  Since I'm up and down a lot, it's really annoying.

And he's learned to go from one to the other human begging for the treat with just enough time in between to prevent us from being aware we've been had.

But he's so cute.  I guess his many other attributes far outweigh this addiction that has sprung up. We'll keep him.

IT'S OFF TO WORK I GO!

I turned in my work release form and should be back working next week. How exciting, she says sarcastically. 

TODAY I CHOOSE AND IT ALL COMES BACK TO THE MONEY

Hard choices to make today. The pressure has been building.  I have the Doctor's release to go back to work. I only need to confirm the same job is available.

So my other pursuits,  which at this point are no or low money efforts, would then be lackadaisical, "the little woman at home doing her thing"  type of activities. 

Unless I push.

I've never been a pusher.  To me that's an unknown scary way to go.  I think I need a calming relaxing morning, I'm so off to watercolor painting session. 

My angel needs to help me off the ledge.  Come help me please!

WHERE DOES ALL THE TIME GO and other questions

I missed changing the counter yesterday.....again.  The project danger zone is approaching.  Between the dolls, shopping for their clothes, watercolor painting, family time, movie time, garden time, crafting with the kids, photography, blogging, housework time, and thinking time, there is no time.

The part I did not mention is that all these categories have projects within them.  For instance within watercoloring I am working on a "Leaf Sprite" series of paintings as well as miniature artwork to sell on EBAY.

I'd like to do a project photographing eyes. I want to learn how to build layers with the PhotoShop program.  I need a family dinner to highlight everyone's special talents. 

What about a clean house.  Company is coming soon. What about my job?  I go to the doctor tomorrow and we'll see.  On the 21st July it will be 2 months since surgery. 

Someone slap me silly.  Thank you!

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

My reclaimed dolls need a name.  In the last post, preliminary photos were shared and I called the project "New Life" dolls.  What about "NuLife" dolls? Yuk!  Further explanation may suggest a name.

I'm making dolls.  I take the heads off previously owned dolls and put them atop cups, saucers, dishes, glass chimneys, etc.  I'm going to adorn them with crowns, wings perhaps, baubles or beads. They will be one of a kind dolls.

Shopping the secondhand stores has been fun, especially learning the pricing system as I need to pay the least money.  All parts of these dolls are used except glass beads I may glue here and there.  Therefore all components are scared, chipped, or have dirt I could not remove from their previous life.

I am very glad the public donates their discarded items to charity rather then directly into the trash.  People become bored, disinterested, disillusioned with their possessions or they go out of fashion, get dirty, chipped or broken and I think most of these discards are usable, but in a new way.  These stores have lots of customers. My idea is not original.

I just need an original name for this project.  I'll brainstorm with random thoughts. "Hello again" "Remember me?" "Don't I know you?" "We've met before" "I'm adopted" "All dressed up"

I could name each doll.  Here's a progress shot. The doll on the left just arrived from EBAY.  It is the doll head I prefer.  They have pedestals but need heads and jewels which I have been collecting on the rack on the right.

The tedious work of dismantling the heads is next then gluing in place.  Off with their heads. Ohhhhh! How about Marie Antoinette Dolls. She was a princess first and then a queen and finally beheaded.

BEING BUSY AS A BEE THWARTS TRIGGER

Last night being 4th of July I did have a flashback of my slot playing. We drove home from a family evening and passed the casino.  That was the trigger.  Everyone was quiet and tired from a long day but that's just the time I would have escaped to the casino.  For many years I only went during the night.  Now  I have all my hobbies to work on during the night if  I'm awake. 

I'm making progress on my new life dolls.  I have lots of inventory of used items ready to have a new purpose.  Here are some views of the dolls I'm currently working on.  They are not glued together yet.  I'm thinking of larger pieces of glass attached to the edge of a higher dish and a person could hang their own baubles on it.  Pictures would help.

Sweetie

Ballerina

WHOA! HOW TO MAKE COMPARISONS

Maybe the better way to look at 2 things is not to compare but ask myself why do I want to compare them?  This will be clearer if I show 2 pictures.

Original Photo below and my watercolor on the right.  Seeing them side by side is not good.  I made the head too big, painted too many flowers and .........wait.  Why am I shooting me down? 


















I'm sure that when I go to EBAY and list the painting I'll be thinking of comparing it to other artists work.  That's bad for the ego.  Again, why do it? 

I found a great article titled "Do you compare yourself to others?".    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/self-worth_b_2855751.html#es_share_ended

It talks about how we learned to compare ourselves to others when we were children.  There's a little mental exercise to do.  I'll try it but first I need to think of myself as a child through a grandparents eyes.  Hmmm.  I'll post results later.

LOST IN A VICIOUS CYCLE OF GAMBLING

Two hundred twenty six days ago that's exactly where I was. I wasn't sure vicious was the right word to use but one meaning is dangerous.  I was in danger. Danger of losing my family or going to jail or being so despondent I would take my life. 

I worry that someone actively struggling with this addiction would stumble upon my blog, read my current posts related to making dolls from used items or working on my photography and think this blog can't be about addiction. 

But it is about addiction.  Years of therapy helped me through to this day.  I recall one night in group therapy we had a new attendee and after we went around the circle describing our week our therapist explained to her that she must not be put off by all our joking and laughter.  We had all been in a darker place as she and our experiences have many similarities.  You see this person had everything she owned in her car and did not know where she would spend the night.  She was in pain and we were making light of our pain.

When I changed the counter to 226 days today I had skipped a day.  You see my grandchildren are with us for a few days and I missed yesterday's counter change.  It's a blessing to have my grandchildren in my life.  I very well may have lost that privilege some years ago because their parents could not count on my behavior were I alone with them.  They worried I would leave them and go to the casino.

I want to remember all the pain, anguish, guilt and shame of all my dark days because it helps me stay on my path to recovery.  The addiction will always be a part of my life and I must guard against triggers that would take me back.

A BEGINNING AND AN END

All humans have a beginning and an end but this is not true of all the things we have created and used and discarded.  But we can choose to reuse things again and again and again, just not always in the same way.  These discarded items can be used as puzzles.

I'm always fascinated watching the shows that show you how they make things.  The brains it takes to invent things, the skill to build and manufacture, all those processes are amazing and mind bogging to me.  Then we use it and throw it away

Here's my newest completed puzzle. I started simple.

The circle in  center is a real hummingbird nest given to me by a neighbor after a storm blew it out of a tree.  It just hung around the bookcase a couple years. It's very sturdy and beautifully constructed. 

I found the dish at my favorite Goodwill Store, the leaves on the base attracted me. The dish has a chipped edge but that's okay, it had a previous life.

When a pile of pine needles appeared in front of my feet as I walked across my friends yard, I just knew they all fit together.  The Dollar store sold me the bird and one day I'll find a hummingbird to replace it.





This  picture shows some articles that need to be put together.

Dolls that are broken need a new life, a little fabric perhaps and a few sparkles and bobbles. 

I guess these next puzzles will be dolls then.  Doll heads in teacups perhaps? On glass pedestals?  I can't wait to finish them.

The credit for this project goes to the Somerset Studio Gallery Summer 2014  15th Anniversary Issue and the article "Keepsake Dolls" by Robin Sanchez. Her dolls are beautiful. Go to Somersetstudiogallery.com for more information.

Robin has a blog, Onceuponapinkmoon.blogspot.com

SOMEONE SEND ME A COMPUTER ANGEL, PLEEEEEEZE

Now, I don't have money to hire one cause of my gambling.  And my brain can't quite grasp the instructions I read.  I'm not sure what happens but words go rambling. Let's brain storm so I can do the deed.

What I really really want... what I really really want....no, what I REALLY REALLY WANT IS..... MUSIC...ON MY BLOG.

I should look for a class regarding blogs?  But I have a link. This should be so easy.  I don't look so pretty when I'm stamping my feet do I?

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT GOOGLE?

Well, trudge to the library I guess.  I have algae on the pool rim so it would be a library book or look for the video and box of chemicals from the pool company who built the pool.  That was 18 years ago.  What are those chances?  Maybe if I asked my brain to work on their location when I take a nap..?

 But why do that when I can Google?   I found a great article......http://www.ehow.com/how_6403273_clean-algae-pool-walls.html
Now I can converse intelligently with the experts at the pool store if necessary.

It was very pleasant working out there today.  We have 5 Hummer feeders and they zip back and forth over our heads, being very territorial and chasing each other away.  Sometimes I sit very quietly with my camera in hopes of getting a few great shots.  Here are the latest from a few days ago.

A Verdin visitor

 The Finches discovered a place on one feeder for their bigger beaks to get a sip.

Waiting for a turn.

Here's the spot.

On guard.

 I think this is the Anna's  Hummingbird.

Hubby's back is acting up and I'm cleaning up for Father's Day.  We've had quite a few dust storms since I've dusted off the patio swing. Our daughter helped sweep the pool this morning and then joined me at the swing.  I had noticed a spider web on  the underside and was busy getting the sticky web off  when she screamed "Black Widow"!  It was big!  So were her eggs and our daughter's eyes.

Gee, I hope she'll come back tomorrow.

EVERYTHINGS GOING TO BE OKAY

We need to hear that every once in a while I think.  Especially if we've been stuck in negative land.  So now whenever I need a boost I can come back to this post and read this prophesy.  A hug usually is required along with the words.  The dog is awake, I'll go hug him.

Even though it's Friday the 13th, all will be well.  Positive thinking is the answer.  I can hear you asking me, what's wrong?

Nothing.  Look here, my outdoor garden room is coming along.  Not sure how my lamp shade will fare in high wind though.


I changed the counter to 217 days.  That's a wonderful thing!

But, I'm not ready for Father's Day.  That's the thing that dragging me down but hard work will get me closer to being ready.  Better get on with it.

WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO REACH YOUR GOAL?

Sometimes all it takes is patience.  Other times you try harder and harder, again and again.

South Rim Grand Canyon, AZ. USA

Waiting for the sunrise or sunset is all about patience because you arrive at your viewpoint early and amuse yourself with little things while watching the light change.  On my last visit to the Canyon waiting for sunset, I leaned over the railing and found a very determined lizard. 

Isn't he cute?   Each time I leaned over to find him he was closer and closer. 

 He's equipped to climb rocks with those strong legs and big hands for gripping. 



I followed his progress and as the sunlight changed he looked more and more beautiful.





























  

  
The next time I looked he was gone.  Uh oh!



But did he give up?

Heck no.  He reappeared with a wonderful smile for me.  He reached his goal with strength and an audience to cheer him on.  Everyone should have a cheering section.

















This time I had help being patient.  What a beautiful ending to our ROAD TRIP day.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

Children might say they are afraid of the dark. The number 1 answer on Family Feud show might be "dying". I'm not afraid of the dark and I don't think I'm afraid of dying.

Someone asked me to describe my recent operation.  My response was " the anesthesiologist said here's a little something to help you relax". Then the nurse said "Wake up. You are in recovery. It's all over".

In between I did not exist to me. There were no funny lights, talking or music, and no awareness of lost minutes. Would dying be like that except no nurse and recovery room? It seems like the scary part of dying would be what precedes death. Pain, immobility, blindness, for example are conditions I am afraid of having.  I vote for a fast death and my angel beside me.

In my school years I was afraid of having bad breath and perspiration.  In grade school I was afraid of the crickets in my head.  It was years before I knew I had tinnitus.  I was afraid people would guess I was a bad person. No one ever told me I could have bad thoughts and not be a bad person so I kept things to myself which is a habit I have yet to overcome.

As a mother, I always worried about the children and was afraid they would not be safe.  Our minister's wife told her son I pamper my children.  I looked it up even though I knew what she meant. It said to indulge with every attention, comfort, and kindness; spoil.

So, life went on and then I became a gambling addict.  For a long time, even I didn't know what was wrong with me but I knew I was disappearing and I was afraid my family would find out. I was also afraid to tell them. After months and months, that type of pressure and active addiction can easily lead to thoughts of suicide, homelessness, or being in jail. 

My brilliant family figured out the problem, held an intervention and presented me with ultimatums.  I struggled daily to comply, made many mistakes and had many setbacks. After one slip-up I was terrified it was the one that broke the camels back and my life was over.

I had nowhere to go so I came home, parked in the driveway and sat there.  Suddenly the garage door went up, my husband walked to me and asked how long I'd been there.  I answered I was reluctant to go in the house because I'd been to the casino.  He quietly said "don't ever be afraid to come home".

It always brings tears to my my eyes to think of his words and that moment.

During the early days of my struggle with recovery I began wandering through cemeteries. They are peaceful, interesting and led me to rediscover my angel.

CLEAN IT UP

Whenever I start to see piles of trash and garden refuse in our neighbors yards I assume it's time for the bulk garbage pickup.  That's how the weekend began, with a "clean it up" attitude.

Since I can't lift heavy things I engaged the help of the eldest grandson. To complicate matters and save some money, we needed to bring home all boxes from the storage unit I rented when the garage door was replaced some months ago. 

My husband reduced the overgrown shrubs from 6 ft. to 3 ft. and we've been hoping no one thought we are preparing for a bonfire. 

I almost lost the family dog by having all doors propped open while moving things about.  He decided to take a walk about the neighborhood.  Before we even missed him "pet finder" called and I am so thankful. 

Thanks to our grandson, I can almost get the car back into the garage.  A pile must go to donation and the other pile goes to trash.  I'll sweep and be done.  But....

There are many, many more things to attend to but now we are hampered by the heat, heat, heat.  I needed many breaks during the weekend because the heat just wears and tears me down. 

On one break I worked on a photo of a finch balanced on the edge of cactus needles, this version made me think of how hot, hot, hot I was.