Too many times I have had to correct the counter because I did not wake up in the morning and change it. Again today it went from 48 to 50. I am the most important part of this blog. I know why the day was skipped. The people who live with me know. Does it matter that a day was skipped?
I know that day 49 was an early work day. And then I got home to family activities and house guests. Should I be accountable to the blog and make excuses for skipped days? Who gets up in the morning and rushes to see Jane's counter? And worries or wonders? Maybe the family but they are busy too. Do I have other followers? I don't know.
I must change it every day for me. Every day. No excuses!
COUNT WITH JANE________ I count the days without a visit to the casino and share my gambling history.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
REWARD YOURSELF!
That was my doctor's advice. Earlier this month enough funds had been set aside to have an outing with family members. Normally entrance fee events were avoided. What a beautiful visit we had and I an still able to enjoy that day whenever I look at my photos.
As a compulsive gambler I went to the casino to win my reward money for a special activity. It's no surprise that even though I may have won enough to have what I wanted, I never left the casino with it.
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| Christmas Wishes For Everlasting Recovery |
Monday, December 16, 2013
I HAVE AN ANGEL
Angels are pictured everywhere and particularly this month. Now I always pause and ask myself if this one is my angel? Would I recognize her?
Through these gambling years I've been asked many times to share thoughts of my beliefs. I had no answer. Years passed and then one day I asked myself why I had been searching cemeteries and photographing angels. It was light bulb time.
I do believe I have an angel, she was forgotten. I had thought of gambling as a solitary activity but I've really never been alone even though it seemed I was to me. She has been there with me. Maybe this angel is mine.
Through these gambling years I've been asked many times to share thoughts of my beliefs. I had no answer. Years passed and then one day I asked myself why I had been searching cemeteries and photographing angels. It was light bulb time.
I do believe I have an angel, she was forgotten. I had thought of gambling as a solitary activity but I've really never been alone even though it seemed I was to me. She has been there with me. Maybe this angel is mine.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
COMPULSIVE SLOT GAMBLER NEEDS EXCITEMENT
If there is one thing my years in counseling brought to light, it is my need for excitement. I like things to be changing and unexpected. It doesn't need to be a big deal. Just rearranging the furniture can be exciting.
But one night boredom set in and I started going to the local casino. It was lazy of me. All I had to do was sit there and be stimulated. If I had known my brain could be rearranged by this activity, things would be different today.
I was able to play the slot machine hour after hour, waiting for that thrilling moment when it would do the unexpected. The first machine to thoroughly entertain me was "Cleopatra". Wow, 15 free spins during which a jackpot could be won. And, the colors were beautiful to me. She had green eyes, purple eye shadow and flowers that curled around her.
I played it night after night.
So now the hours not gambling are being filled with this blog and creating watercolor and wax paintings. Lifting the wax paper off the watercolor paper and seeing the unexpected results is exciting.
Today I've set Cleopatra on fire. The Queen of Egypt has lost her magic for me the last 33 days and I hope for years to come.
But one night boredom set in and I started going to the local casino. It was lazy of me. All I had to do was sit there and be stimulated. If I had known my brain could be rearranged by this activity, things would be different today.
I was able to play the slot machine hour after hour, waiting for that thrilling moment when it would do the unexpected. The first machine to thoroughly entertain me was "Cleopatra". Wow, 15 free spins during which a jackpot could be won. And, the colors were beautiful to me. She had green eyes, purple eye shadow and flowers that curled around her.
I played it night after night.
So now the hours not gambling are being filled with this blog and creating watercolor and wax paintings. Lifting the wax paper off the watercolor paper and seeing the unexpected results is exciting.
Today I've set Cleopatra on fire. The Queen of Egypt has lost her magic for me the last 33 days and I hope for years to come.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
AT THE FLIP OF A SWITCH THERE IS MONEY IN MY POCKET
As a compulsive gambler very little money was spent outside the casino. If my hair was too long I cut it myself and pocketed the money given to me for a salon visit and set out for the casino. My health was neglected. That might cost money. Money was just what I used to feed the slot to get the high. Then the high was gone and I would need more money unless I had a good machine that played give and take for a long period of time. The result was always the same though. It was a rare occasion to leave the casino with any money.
As you might expect, taking care of the family bills and finances got harder and harder through the years. Eventually it was all used up. Money in savings, money from credit, fresh money from refinancing, money from yesterdays paycheck, money from the payday loans....all gone. How could I have done that? One day that frozen part of my brain will start to thaw out.
Some compulsive gamblers can pinpoint when the switch got flipped and money was not real but just a means to a feeling, a means to escape. I can't. I do know that for me it flipped back again on Nov. 7th, 2013. Today's counter number is 29. The switch hasn't blinked in 29 days. I know that's unusual and I need to be alert for a trigger that will make it blink.
Yesterday while browsing in the "trash store" as I call them, I saw a treasure I wanted and I had money in my pocket. What a thrill! To celebrate I post this balloon bouquet to thank the people who helped me push that switch.
As you might expect, taking care of the family bills and finances got harder and harder through the years. Eventually it was all used up. Money in savings, money from credit, fresh money from refinancing, money from yesterdays paycheck, money from the payday loans....all gone. How could I have done that? One day that frozen part of my brain will start to thaw out.
Some compulsive gamblers can pinpoint when the switch got flipped and money was not real but just a means to a feeling, a means to escape. I can't. I do know that for me it flipped back again on Nov. 7th, 2013. Today's counter number is 29. The switch hasn't blinked in 29 days. I know that's unusual and I need to be alert for a trigger that will make it blink.
Yesterday while browsing in the "trash store" as I call them, I saw a treasure I wanted and I had money in my pocket. What a thrill! To celebrate I post this balloon bouquet to thank the people who helped me push that switch.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
THE LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY
I think of my gambling history as being divided. The first half ended when I banned myself in October 2004 for 5 years and was abstinent for a few years. I had been an emotional mess for months prior to the ban. The family had slowly come to the realization that something needed to be done. The behavior I exhibited was completely out of character and "I" was disappearing.
Our credit was maxed out and we had to use a credit counseling service to get back on our feet. The debts were paid through them in one large payment. I was still the bill payer of the household and after 2 years we refinanced the house and paid off the counseling service. We were on the right path again. Or so it seemed.
Education is the key to this disease and I had none. Learning that I was just abstaining and not recovering was interesting news, learned after my reentry into compulsive gambling. In this half of my gambling career I was stubborn I think. My old self had never really re-appeared.
In my 4th year of the first ban I entered counseling for compulsive gamblers. The agency recommended an inpatient program but an intensive outpatient program was chosen, which was group therapy and also individual therapy. It went well until I became complacent and ignored advice. A trip to the casino to drop off visitors and family members triggered a slip-up and a trip to the casino.
The truth is that from 2008 to Nov. 7th 2013 I had many slip-ups. During the subsequent counseling I was learning new things in group therapy from others when sharing . It was like I was 2 people. My brain functioned for both. I was learning a lot about the disease and having slip-ups. The 2nd brain said "Oh, payday loans, let's try that. We never did that before". And there were many more awful acts to obtain money.
The second self-ban is for 10 years but that did not stop me until 11/07/13. During these years my families talks did not stop me until 11/07/13. The counseling did not stop me until 11/07/13. In the beginning of my counseling it was made clear that recovery takes full commitment and honesty. I'm ready to do that. I did not stop me until 11/07/13.
It took all of that to get me where I am today. Many compulsive gamblers aren't so lucky, didn't have these tools or the family to help. I truly believe I could be dead or in jail today without every one of these parts. Words cannot fully express my joy and thank yous these last 25 days. When will I be recovered? Never. I'll always be in recovery and glad to be there.
Our credit was maxed out and we had to use a credit counseling service to get back on our feet. The debts were paid through them in one large payment. I was still the bill payer of the household and after 2 years we refinanced the house and paid off the counseling service. We were on the right path again. Or so it seemed.
Education is the key to this disease and I had none. Learning that I was just abstaining and not recovering was interesting news, learned after my reentry into compulsive gambling. In this half of my gambling career I was stubborn I think. My old self had never really re-appeared.
In my 4th year of the first ban I entered counseling for compulsive gamblers. The agency recommended an inpatient program but an intensive outpatient program was chosen, which was group therapy and also individual therapy. It went well until I became complacent and ignored advice. A trip to the casino to drop off visitors and family members triggered a slip-up and a trip to the casino.
The truth is that from 2008 to Nov. 7th 2013 I had many slip-ups. During the subsequent counseling I was learning new things in group therapy from others when sharing . It was like I was 2 people. My brain functioned for both. I was learning a lot about the disease and having slip-ups. The 2nd brain said "Oh, payday loans, let's try that. We never did that before". And there were many more awful acts to obtain money.
The second self-ban is for 10 years but that did not stop me until 11/07/13. During these years my families talks did not stop me until 11/07/13. The counseling did not stop me until 11/07/13. In the beginning of my counseling it was made clear that recovery takes full commitment and honesty. I'm ready to do that. I did not stop me until 11/07/13.
It took all of that to get me where I am today. Many compulsive gamblers aren't so lucky, didn't have these tools or the family to help. I truly believe I could be dead or in jail today without every one of these parts. Words cannot fully express my joy and thank yous these last 25 days. When will I be recovered? Never. I'll always be in recovery and glad to be there.
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