MORE THINGS THAT ANNOY ME...

6. A lesson learned in my teens was forgotten and my vehicle got frozen on the way to work.

7. Taking care of one's health later in life is a full time job and I already have a job.

8. Easter is over but I'm still working on Easter projects.

9. My son's birthday project sprung a leak and I must start over.

10. It's time to go to work and this really annoys me but it finances my new passion.  I've started collecting empty colorful picture boxes.  I stop by the local Goodwill store and so far I bought about 50.  Some are Christmas themed, angel inspired, and a lot have hearts or flowers.  Not too expensive if I catch a sale.  Yesterday I bought 2 for $3.00.

Now the reason I've justified this collection is complicated.  My individual projects will be stored in them along with the supplies and instructions.  I'm creating new pathways in my brain to try and remember where everything is stored because some supplies are needed for other crafts.  It took me 2 days to find my glues only to discover they weren't in a box yet.  The system is not quite perfect yet.

Secondly I've eliminated the need for wrapping paper and that expense.  I'll put the gift in a box, tie a ribbon around it and all done.  No wrapping gifts in the car anymore on the way to a party!  What a time saver.

So, let's see.  I've created a new memory game for myself. I'm saving time and money.  I just have to figure out how to part with a box for gift giving.  Oh, I know.  I'll buy a few mundane boxes. Wait!  This may be getting out of hand already!

Keeping my supplies

Boxes instead of a TV

To fill a broken chair

To have Christmas all year

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

1. Why do I find it so hard to ask for help?  The other day I thought of asking for help but before I did so, my thought was "Okay, I failed. I need help." So, I didn't ask.

It's hard to accept failure. Last night my boss asked me to help the next department and I screamed into the phone..."I'm alone, I've been told to clean the rotisserie, the chickens need to get out, I leave in 1 hour...". I was promised help but now I could cry because I broke down and asked for help.

2. Co-workers jump in and answer my customer's questions or finish my sentences.  Those co-workers are young.  Am I ready for the home?  Or...they were not taught to think before speaking?
Just blurt it out huh? Why must I analyze my words before speaking?

3. Being told I don't listen to my husband when there was nothing to listen to.

4. Telling myself I did not give enough individual attention to the grand children or my children  or to my husband last night.

5. Now I'm annoyed I have no more time to vent.

WHEN DESPAIR , HOPELESSNESS AND SELF HATE TURNS TO JOY

On 5/8/2010 I wrote "I must face this power that has control of me. Why do I let it control me? I must hate what happens to me under it's control and direct that hate to control this disease."

There were years of ignorance about my compulsion.  Years I did nothing but gamble.  I think of compiling a list of the dollar amount spent but my brain turns to mush just thinking how to go about counting that.

There were years of learning about the disease but day in and day out I thought about money, not to have and hold it but to use it on the chance I could get the big win again and manage to get the money
home and pay off all the debt.

While I gambled I looked for more credit cards to open, second mortgages to replace the existing one, retirement money to cash in, life insurance money to borrow or cash out. Later in my gambling career I looked for pay day loans, title loans, registration loans or any kind of loan.

This would have been a great mailbox to wait beside.

During all of that brain storming, day in and day out,  I had to plan time to move money around, wait for money to be available, remember to pay bills in the nick of time, wait for the mail, cover up all my plans, remember all the complicated plans.

I was disappearing and I slept less and less because I stayed out later and later and when I did wake up,  it was always in a panic, to remember what activity was needed for that day, to be able to go out that night and do it all over again.

All of these secrets I guarded became such a burden, but finally I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  In the light I saw my family still willing to help me.  With my secrets revealed, they helped me realize there was a way to handle the wreckage. Sure, it was all up to me and I finally, finally accepted that.

 So, for the first time in many years I awoke the next morning, not to despair as usual but to an indescribable, wonderful feeling of joy. 

JANE'S JOURNAL STORIES

There are several journals in my files and occasionally I thumb through, stopping to read 1 or 2 entries.  In my last post I mentioned journaling. It is wonderful to have the written word to bring back that special moment my brain compartmentalized so much I'd forgotten it ever happened.

Stuck in a journal, on yellow note paper dated March 1993, I had made a list.

   lock gate
   feed dogs
   money
   lotto ticket
   movie
   library book
   lock all windows
   check truck
   water plants
   pay truck  (when next I checked my note it had a new note, with little punctuation)

      Hi mommy how are you I am fine you better remember to bring something to read on the air
      plane ok. Just curious is our plane ride stopping any where besides our destination? Love Your
                                                                                                                                             daughter
                                                                                                                                       write back please

      Thank you for the very good advice. Our plane is non-stop. By the way-have I told you lately
      how much I love you? Well, I do. A bushel and a peck. The minute you were born I loved you
      more than the last minute and it has never stopped, minute by minute. I love how compassionate
      and loving you are. I love your energetic personality and sunshine disposition. There, how many
      minutes since I started this and now I love you even more.                              Love, Mom

      Well huh I love you second by second
                                                       Love your
                                                       daughter

How wonderful is that?  She was 15 years old.  It brought that memory to the front of my brain to enjoy the moment again, 20 years later.

FOR ME APRIL IS A GREAT MONTH TO STAY BUSY

It's close to Easter, and all those eggs are out there waiting to be beautiful.  A project for our son's birthday is waiting to be completed.  Spending time with the grand children is scheduled.

I hope anyone out there reading my blog can spend time doing the fun things they enjoy.  It's important!  It doesn't even need to be a lengthy "Time Out For Fun".

"Take 10" to write in a journal every day with your coffee, or in a corner with some music, or in your car before you get in that traffic to go home from work.

It's now time for me to take TOFF.  I'm going to a painting class and hopefully I'll have something to share soon.  I think this post gets a Therapy label.

Hooray for chickens!

GROUP THERAPY TOPICS

In my post of March 29th "Do you have an inner voice", I should have included that group therapy also continued weekly for the next 4 years. My counselor was the group leader and  on nights when new participants joined, the topic included introductory remarks by those present.

I always explained what type of compulsive gambler I was and usually described my gambling history.  Frequently I remembered to relate my "big win" experience.  It's surprising how many members were shaking their heads yes, because a similar big win happened to them .

I was at the casino late at night, about 2 A.M. I'm guessing, when I wandered into the high roller slots for the first time.  A Unicorn machine looked interesting and I played 5 lines for a total of five dollars each spin.  After a few spins my machine stopped on a win, and seconds later an attendant was by my side saying "Do you know what you have just won?".

"No" I answered, "What?".  "$10,000.00" he replied.  I was in shock but calmly told him I wanted $100 bills and someone to walk me to the car when I left.

I did leave with all of the money and was home by 5 AM.  My husband usually awoke at that time so I walked into the bedroom, threw all the bills on the bed and we laughed and laughed.

He got $1000 of it and we had a new TV within the week. Now years later he insists my big win was the start of my disease.  I don't know.

I did Google  "big wins related to compulsive gambling" and found this website http://www.recoveryassociates.org/what-causes-compulsive-gambling/.
An article by Dr Robert Custer suggests there are 3 phases of a progressive gambling problem: a winning phase, a losing phase, and a desperation section. I guess my big win fits Phase 1.

Now, I've scared the Unicorn.  I'm creating a toolbox full of fire tricks to help me avoid any setback.

KEEPING BUSY

I have always been a night owl.  When I met my husband it was at a friends house party in another state.  I saw him the next weekend too and then had a party at my home the weekend after that.  Being so far away from each other did not present a good opportunity to see his real bedtime ritual of early to bed and early to rise!  We married within the year all the time living states apart.

After the honeymoon and the first night back to his apartment,  he announced he was going to bed.  At 9:00 O'clock, I asked?  He replied, "I always go to bed early".  Hmmm, I never noticed that before.  Oh well.  And so, I would clean at night or read my magazines.

The children came along and I needed that space for myself after they and he were asleep.  No problem. I have magazines and lots of cleaning or unpacking since we moved a lot.  Or packing to move which I love to do.

The children grew up.  I went back to work.  At first we were very busy but then my job slowed down to normal and I did not need to bring work home or stay late to finish up.  Now, I'm sick of cleaning and magazines got real expensive.  I'm bored and how about those casinos they built?  What a mistake but how was I to know I would get this disease?  Most people can enjoy recreational gambling. 

Now, I work the late shift a lot and it's definitely a pull to get in my car and head for home.  My disease will say "now for a little excitement".  "It's your time to unwind.  "  "What will you play?"  "You have 5 dollars".  "It could be your lucky night".  "What's five dollars?"

So, late last night I worked on my recent digital photos from a ROAD TRIP yesterday.  I found a Cactus Wren hopping up and down under some prickly pear cactus.