DO YOU HAVE AN INNER VOICE?

 I have one but it didn't help me with my disease.

The first counselor I went to for help with my gambling problem asked "Don't you have an inner voice?".  I guess she assumed that, if I did, I would not have completed some of my actions while gambling that were not in my best interest.  Actions such as withdrawing all the funds from my bank even though I needed them to pay bills. 

I do have an inner voice and to me it was like I was 2 different people.  For example one of us stood there taking out the money and the other stood there yelling stop.  Somehow I knew that counselor could not help me.  I just didn't know why and discontinued those visits.

I've always talked to my inner voice in my head because, if you talk to it out loud, people stare at you.  After I became a compulsive gambler I could sit in front a slot machine, win a jackpot and my inner voice would say go home now.  I never did.

My disease is very powerful.  It can make you lie and steal from yourself and then from your loved ones. Five years later when seeking help from my doctor who knew the power this disease has, I was encouraged to find a counselor who specializes in treating compulsive gamblers.  Before I could blink the doctor called me back with a phone number.

Before I could blink, the counselor's evaluation determined that, at the minimum, I needed IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy).  This included group therapy 3 times a week and 1 individual session a week.  I needed 2 go-rounds of IOP.  Individual therapy continued for 4 years.

This therapy explained my disease, gave me tools to combat it, and listened to me say things only me and my inner voice discussed.  Now, we're talking about the real power.

As it turns out, I've read articles that say some people do not have inner voices or inner talk.  I'm trying to imagine that.  They must be lonely.

SPRING FORTH

Last week was spring break for our grand children and I spent one night  and day with them.  We got up early and toured a dairy farm, had a wonderful lunch at a restaurant with animated jungle creatures, followed by a trip to an aquarium, and ending with ice cream.  We had a great time thanks to my daughter's creative planning.

I think back to a dark time in my life when I was lost in slot machine world.  My gambling had accelerated and I would go at night after the household was asleep, on my lunch hour, whenever I could. I was an emotional wreck, crying while driving to the casino, to work, home from the casino and work. Some days were so bad I'd sit in my car too upset to get out of the car and walk from the parking lot into work.

My children intervened, sat me down with some ultimatums.  My son explained it was too hard to deal with my gambling and all the problems it caused.  They were afraid if I was with the children by myself I just might leave them alone to go gamble. So,,,,if I went one more time they would not be in my life.

I was stunned and numb.  Then my daughter and husband suggested taking away my car keys. There were other things I had to do like go to my doctor for help and go to counseling.

My husband remarked "I haven't asked for a divorce yet..."

They saved my life.  Without their loving intervention I would be without a family, husband, job or freedom.  I more likely would be dead or in jail.

It was a blessed wonderful spring day with the grand children, mother and daughter.  Thank you family.

A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE

On our recent road trip I took photos of a rocky cliff top to bottom.  With my program I could "stitch" them together to have 1 photo. It's been quite a while since I did this process.

 The stitched together photo on the right is jagged because of the way I took the 5 individual pictures going up the cliff.  I have posted those below.

I am always amazed to see the plant life growing on the outcrop.
It's such a struggle to live but they do an extraordinary job of finding the resources they need to survive. 

My disease is like this.  It has had it's own life and it's taken a long time to learn how to arrest it's growth.

I read one article  "Gambling Addiction: Harmless? Don't Bet on It! Pathological Gamblers Have the Highest Suicide Rate Amongst Psychological Disorders" by Kevin VaLeu, Yahoo Contributor Network

of August 2, 2010. See link below.

He listed 3 components needed to attempt gambling sobriety.  Counseling, support groups, and complete removal of access to any and all funds.  Someone else will have to be put in charge of daily living responsibilities.

While doing this photo exercise I read all my past scribblings from this struggle.  I cried some.  It's painful to go back but necessary.  I am so blessed to have the "someone elses".  Many addicts have no family left to help.

Here is the link to the article I read
http://voices.yahoo.com/gambling-addiction-harmless-dont-bet-it-6494178.html?cat=5

WHAT'S IMPORTANT?

I missed a day on the counter but fixed it today.  Yesterday I had an early shift and when I clocked into work it said "Happy Anniversary".

Wow! The 13th career change job is moving along.  That's important so I can pay off my "Pay Day Loans".

Today is a day off and it just might be a ROAD TRIP kind of day.  I need that every once in a while.  We will share the experience with friends and that's important.

So far I've listed job, money, leisure time, friends but the most important thing is family, most importantly my husband. Husband, I love you very much. Thank you for all you do for me and us.

When I leave work and head for home a voice in my head says it looks like we're going to the casino.  When I turn for home I turn to what's most important. 

PAINT WITH JANE

In my imagination we were on a road trip in the mountains and I kept seeing road signs to the nearest casino.  The closer we got the more I thought about stopping to check it out.

Around the next turn of the highway we saw smoke.  The forest was on fire off to the right and through the smoke we could see the casino sign on the edge of a dome shaped building.  Flames were approaching and it was clear we wouldn't be stopping there.

Here are the steps I used to create the painting instead of heading to the real casino not far from my house.

Taking a 12 X 12 sheet of acid free card stock embossed with evergreens I drew a dome on it using a cut off part of a paper plate.  I penciled in a sign going up the side of the windowless building.

 Using some acrylic paints I painted flames in the foreground.  I needed some sky so I just outlined the trees on top with blue paint.

 Crayons, red, yellow, white and black  were grated over areas I wanted covered with smoke. Using my iron on top of wax paper I heated it until I could see the crayons melting.   Pulling off the paper bottom to top, I was not happy with the first attempt.  I simply applied more gratings and used a second sheet of wax paper on top, heating everything again.

After I photographed each step I realized some shots( before crayons) were blurred because I did not hold the camera still.  I might actually like the photograph below better. 

STORMY DARK SKIES AND BURSTS OF RAIN LAST WEEKEND

We postponed our road trip due to weather which was a disappointment.  However the expected deluge did not happen.  Instead the watery skies, misty air and light showers brought back memories of days in my home state of Pennsylvania.

I lived in the very old house of my grandparents. We had an attic with 2 rooms packed full of dusty boxes, books, all the Christmas decorations, trunks, forgotten furniture and old family pictures.  The walkout basement  housed the furnace with octopus arms, a ringer wash machine and scary spiders.

I slept in a tree house.  Grandfather had planted maple trees around the house long before my mother was born there. They were as tall as the house.  In truth, my second floor bedroom window made it seem like I lived in one of the trees with an ever changing view as the seasons turned. In summer huge black ants marched up and down the trunk while people below had no idea I was watching and listening.

It was like viewing a parade.  There were days when wet winter snow would stick to branches one flake at a time, melt by day only to transform  into an ice tree by morning.  Spring brought leaves and seed airplanes to open and pinch to my nose with spit.  The raindrops in spring and summer drained to the end of leaves and branches waiting for that one drop to send them on their continuing journey. Autumn brought a color show turning the beautiful green leaves pale, mottled, and finally golden until falling below, a blanket for the earth.

I loved opening the curtain every morning because you never knew what to expect.  No wonder I love trees, leaves, blossoms, seeds, living or dead.

My dreams for that house may have become reality but I'll never know.  This disease I have is a dream killer.

Pa. autumn

Jane's House

Another family is caring for Jane's house now and it looks great!