I can tell, because I'll get thoughts in my head while doing activities that normally led to the casino. Getting in my car to drive home from work, which is late at night, I think... now for the nightcap. A little relaxing time at the slots. Uh oh, I don't do that anymore.
It was a fun thing for me to do except for the going home part when I had no money. My brain always ignored that fact when starting my fun habit. What now?
Well, I'm still working on rearranging the house and getting the Christmas put away. It turns out that the garage needs immediate attention because the automatic door malfunctioned and I didn't happen to notice so...I ran into the dang thing while exiting. Everything needs to be moved to allow the new one to be installed. Might as well do a lot of housekeeping out there too.
Back when I was ruining my life by playing slots, my daughter told me that if I stop gambling good things could begin to happen for me. She was right. Stopping that money leak helped the family finances and we can buy the new door. My husband said anyone can have an accident.
Let's review what would have been said if I had spent the $1000 at the casino. "What were you thinking?" "Last month your losses totaled that much. When will it stop?" "When you are in jail?" "I don't want to live with a liar". "How did you get the money this time?" "Don't tell me you got another car loan".
Yes indeed, my daughter was right!
COUNT WITH JANE________ I count the days without a visit to the casino and share my gambling history.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE PERFECT!
Will I go to the casino if things are not perfect? I used to do that. What "things" anyway?
It could be big "things" or little "things" or just too many "things" at one time. So let's think back for a for days. Last night I did not complete all the things I had to do at work. I did not perform perfectly. Worry, worry worry.
My husband has been grumpy the past few days. How can I fix that? Well, I guess I should ask him. Instead I tried to fix him with an offer of some alone time at the park. That did not turn out as I planned. The dog and his mother-in-law went along too.
So okay the mother-in-law is my mother and she would like to get me riled up about a few situations that aren't perfect so that I interfere in them. I must resist.
I could go on and on....my housekeeping is not perfect. My finances are in the toilet. The Christmas decorations are still everywhere. My diet is a mess. I keep leaving the garage door open thinking things will disappear by morning and I'll be able to walk around out there. Nope, the mess is still there. Then there's the back yard. I have weeds and bugs for sale
The imperfections are piling up. Sometimes I forget I don't need to fix everything myself and I think of escaping. To the casino.
I better get busy doing the things I can do and letting go of the things I can't do. and....I better set a painting on fire and soon.
It could be big "things" or little "things" or just too many "things" at one time. So let's think back for a for days. Last night I did not complete all the things I had to do at work. I did not perform perfectly. Worry, worry worry.
My husband has been grumpy the past few days. How can I fix that? Well, I guess I should ask him. Instead I tried to fix him with an offer of some alone time at the park. That did not turn out as I planned. The dog and his mother-in-law went along too.
So okay the mother-in-law is my mother and she would like to get me riled up about a few situations that aren't perfect so that I interfere in them. I must resist.
I could go on and on....my housekeeping is not perfect. My finances are in the toilet. The Christmas decorations are still everywhere. My diet is a mess. I keep leaving the garage door open thinking things will disappear by morning and I'll be able to walk around out there. Nope, the mess is still there. Then there's the back yard. I have weeds and bugs for sale
The imperfections are piling up. Sometimes I forget I don't need to fix everything myself and I think of escaping. To the casino.
I better get busy doing the things I can do and letting go of the things I can't do. and....I better set a painting on fire and soon.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Bad Habit Loop
Today I've been thinking about cycles and wishing I could find my notebooks. Oh well, I can Google.
An article about habits looked interesting and so I'm reading this:
http://www.npr.org/2012/03/05/147192599/habits-how-they-form-and-how-to-break-them
It talks about the Habits Loop. First is the trigger, then the routine and then the reward. So let's relate this to my compulsive gambling habit. The key to breaking the habit is understanding and interrupting the loop.
The trigger tells the brain to go into auto mode. I can't stop triggers. They are everywhere. A casino ad on TV or just driving by a casino when I leave the house can trigger my bad habit.
On to the routine. If the routine is not broken, we get the reward which is something our brain likes and lets the behavior unfold.
In my gambling routine I need money, a car to get to the casino, and time to play at the casino. I can always find the time to play and I need a car for obvious reasons. So, it's the money.
I no longer control the finances of the house or have a bank account. I would raid my husband's wallet to get money and so he agreed to sleeping with his wallet under the mattress. I tried using my back scratcher to get it but that didn't work. He gives me gift cards for gas and other expenses. He gives me daily cash for lunch money but only 2 3or 5 dollars. Then I discovered that I would go to the casino with $2.00 to spend.
Really, $2.00? Yes.
What is left? Me. It's taken years of gambling, counseling, money losses, bad unspeakable behavior but I am finally paying attention. Do I want "me" and my family? Yes. So I am counting and so very grateful I still have a family who will count with me.
.
An article about habits looked interesting and so I'm reading this:
http://www.npr.org/2012/03/05/147192599/habits-how-they-form-and-how-to-break-them
It talks about the Habits Loop. First is the trigger, then the routine and then the reward. So let's relate this to my compulsive gambling habit. The key to breaking the habit is understanding and interrupting the loop.
The trigger tells the brain to go into auto mode. I can't stop triggers. They are everywhere. A casino ad on TV or just driving by a casino when I leave the house can trigger my bad habit.
On to the routine. If the routine is not broken, we get the reward which is something our brain likes and lets the behavior unfold.
In my gambling routine I need money, a car to get to the casino, and time to play at the casino. I can always find the time to play and I need a car for obvious reasons. So, it's the money.
I no longer control the finances of the house or have a bank account. I would raid my husband's wallet to get money and so he agreed to sleeping with his wallet under the mattress. I tried using my back scratcher to get it but that didn't work. He gives me gift cards for gas and other expenses. He gives me daily cash for lunch money but only 2 3or 5 dollars. Then I discovered that I would go to the casino with $2.00 to spend.
Really, $2.00? Yes.
What is left? Me. It's taken years of gambling, counseling, money losses, bad unspeakable behavior but I am finally paying attention. Do I want "me" and my family? Yes. So I am counting and so very grateful I still have a family who will count with me.
.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
IT'S A GOOD TIME TO REVIEW AS A NEW YEAR BEGINS
The month of December was a blur as I worked and got ready for the holidays. Was I on a high? Decorating for this season has always been a favorite passion of mine. Doing these activities felt so normal there were moments I forgot I was a compulsive gambler.
Now it's just a matter of putting everything in it's place. No hurry there. This slowdown brought back some old feelings yesterday and in my head old tapes ran of me playing my favorite games.
I went from one to the other winning here and winning there, never losing. But wait...here's a tape of me sitting in the car, needing to drive home, disillusioned because all those winnings are not in my purse. I played until all was lost again.
Good thing I have those tapes to review and help keep me on the right path. It's also good news that I can find joy in doing things the old "me" did. I'll get my next high re-arranging the furniture this month.
To strengthen my focus on recovery I googled news articles and found a great one. http://www.prweb.com/releases/2010/01/prweb3401604.htm . It's titled
In this 2010 article it points out that as many 7% of our population may be compulsive gamblers. Wow!
I wish everyone a Happy New Year and especially hope that all who seek help receive help.
Now it's just a matter of putting everything in it's place. No hurry there. This slowdown brought back some old feelings yesterday and in my head old tapes ran of me playing my favorite games.
I went from one to the other winning here and winning there, never losing. But wait...here's a tape of me sitting in the car, needing to drive home, disillusioned because all those winnings are not in my purse. I played until all was lost again.
Good thing I have those tapes to review and help keep me on the right path. It's also good news that I can find joy in doing things the old "me" did. I'll get my next high re-arranging the furniture this month.
To strengthen my focus on recovery I googled news articles and found a great one. http://www.prweb.com/releases/2010/01/prweb3401604.htm . It's titled
Compulsive Gambling Increases as Gambling Opportunities Proliferate.
In this 2010 article it points out that as many 7% of our population may be compulsive gamblers. Wow!
I wish everyone a Happy New Year and especially hope that all who seek help receive help.
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