In my state there is such an office with a wealth of information to help an individual determine if they have a real gambling problem. One of the links offers a list of 20 questions and suggests that a positive answer to 7 or more is an indication of a serious problem.
When I first answered the questions I had about 5 with "no" answers. So with 15 yeses I had a real problem. The website offers a list of state funded treatment counselors and I took advantage of this program.
During my many months of treatment I finally realized the answer to all questions was yes. I was in treatment for over 4 years.
Question 12 asks if you were reluctant to use your gambling money for normal expenditures. It took me awhile to realize the correct answer was indeed yes and it is still an ongoing fight with myself to spend money even though it's necessary.
Reading back over my last post of Feb. 12th "What is addiction" I"m realizing my list in the magazine test has omissions. This test is used to have an excuse to keep magazines and
I don't see beauty or fashion as an area of interest. How funny and true.
That's what I always thought of when reading the question 12. Normal expenditures were beauty and fashion and because I always prided myself saving money on them I didn't realize the reason now was to save money to gamble.
New underwear? No, I don't need that. Who sees it anyway? New lipstick? No, I can use my little finger to dip into the tube. I don't need more than one tube. I only like one color and have been using it for 40 years. New boots? I caught a sale back in 1984 so I bought 2 colors, spent $15 or so and they are perfectly good today.
So when I'm reluctant to spend money I must ask myself why. Is it because I want to gamble? In the past yes. The reluctance became a habit. I must think like my grandmother. She would wear her best underwear to go in public because suppose she fell ill and someone saw holey garments. I think about that so I better get new undies.
COUNT WITH JANE________ I count the days without a visit to the casino and share my gambling history.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
WHAT IS ADDICTION?
According to Wikipedia addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors. They further explain that addictions can include, but are not limited to, drug abuse, exercise addiction, food addiction, computer addiction and gambling.
Good, they don't list "collecting" because I am the type of person to have continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences. I have collections. Elephants, books, boxes, but the biggest is my magazine collection which has grown to over 500. Storage is one adverse consequence.
The sheer weight of them is another. During our 20 year period of cross country moves my husband would comment that was the last time we are moving all "those magazines". Maybe that's why we stopped moving. I refused to part with them.
Well, I never really verbally said that but I thought it. I did decide to cut back and now limit myself to purchasing special issues. Just the other day I forced myself to throw one away and I made him watch me put it in the trash can.
That particular one did not pass the test. The test is to have at least 1 article or picture that gets a bookmark. I look for decorating, craft, health, travel, cooking, self-help, gardening, photography, antiques and anything else interesting. Hard test huh? And no, I don't collect book marks. All the silly mail in offer cards that fall to the floor can be ripped into bookmarks.
There was a period of a few years when I decided to color code the bookmarks and used colored construction paper. Yellow was for food, red or green for Xmas, marble shelf paper for travel....on and on.
That may have been when I was recuperating from surgery in the late 80's. Nowadays, if I need a break I grab a magazine to update the bookmarks to sticky tags and add my current areas of interest articles. After all life changes.
Back in the sixties magazines were larger than they are today so I had trouble storing them on a shelf and did part with them. But they weren't thrown away, at least not by me. I donated them.
Good, they don't list "collecting" because I am the type of person to have continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences. I have collections. Elephants, books, boxes, but the biggest is my magazine collection which has grown to over 500. Storage is one adverse consequence.
The sheer weight of them is another. During our 20 year period of cross country moves my husband would comment that was the last time we are moving all "those magazines". Maybe that's why we stopped moving. I refused to part with them.
Well, I never really verbally said that but I thought it. I did decide to cut back and now limit myself to purchasing special issues. Just the other day I forced myself to throw one away and I made him watch me put it in the trash can.
That particular one did not pass the test. The test is to have at least 1 article or picture that gets a bookmark. I look for decorating, craft, health, travel, cooking, self-help, gardening, photography, antiques and anything else interesting. Hard test huh? And no, I don't collect book marks. All the silly mail in offer cards that fall to the floor can be ripped into bookmarks.
There was a period of a few years when I decided to color code the bookmarks and used colored construction paper. Yellow was for food, red or green for Xmas, marble shelf paper for travel....on and on.
That may have been when I was recuperating from surgery in the late 80's. Nowadays, if I need a break I grab a magazine to update the bookmarks to sticky tags and add my current areas of interest articles. After all life changes.
Back in the sixties magazines were larger than they are today so I had trouble storing them on a shelf and did part with them. But they weren't thrown away, at least not by me. I donated them.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
LAST WEEK'S PAYCHECK
When my addiction to slot machines was revealed and my husband finally understood what had happened to me he remarked he could understand because of my personality.
I've never quite known what he meant and he declined to elaborate. Maybe I didn't want to know. Accepting criticism quietly and with a real smile is not easy for me.
My counselors have mentioned from time to time that when a family member brings up past bad behaviors regarding my gambling, lost money and broken promises that I should thank them.
Last week when I cashed my paycheck I shopped for a few items, paid the loan payments and put the receipts on my husband's desk along with the tally subtracting the amount from the pay.
Our daughter quizzed her dad, wanting to know if he saw the pay stub so he could be sure I was not withholding money to gamble.
Upon hearing her concern I smiled. Yes, she has the right to question me. My family has every right to bring up the past. It helps me stay focused and on the right path to recovery. Thank you, my family!
I've never quite known what he meant and he declined to elaborate. Maybe I didn't want to know. Accepting criticism quietly and with a real smile is not easy for me.
My counselors have mentioned from time to time that when a family member brings up past bad behaviors regarding my gambling, lost money and broken promises that I should thank them.
Last week when I cashed my paycheck I shopped for a few items, paid the loan payments and put the receipts on my husband's desk along with the tally subtracting the amount from the pay.
Our daughter quizzed her dad, wanting to know if he saw the pay stub so he could be sure I was not withholding money to gamble.
Upon hearing her concern I smiled. Yes, she has the right to question me. My family has every right to bring up the past. It helps me stay focused and on the right path to recovery. Thank you, my family!
Saturday, February 15, 2014
IT'S A LOVE FLOWER KIND OF DAY
Today is my wedding anniversary. Many addicted gamblers have no family left. They have no money. Maybe the job is gone and no place to live. My heart bleeds.
I have an amazing husband and family. I love you all.
I have an amazing husband and family. I love you all.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
READ WITH JANE
Today is payday and I must pickup my check, cash it and pay 2 of my "Payday Loans" myself without being tempted to take a side trip to the casino. My husband has been going with me so I can hand over the money immediately but today is a workday for him.
For 99% of the population having money is not a trigger to gamble.
This makes me think about all I have lost to this addiction. Aside from the thousands of dollars I lost I no longer have a bank account or any credit and it's unlikely I would ever have them again.
What I do have is a brain disease. This morning I found an article to support my statement. I've been reading " Doctors treat gambling addiction as brain disease". Here is the link. http://today.ucla.edu/portal/ut/gambling-addicts-suffer-from-brain-190668.aspx
My addiction is a chronic long-term illness. There is no permanent cure. It was so hard to accept these facts.
So today I will have money in my hands and do the right thing with it because I can't go back to living in my addiction. It's a lonely place.
For 99% of the population having money is not a trigger to gamble.
This makes me think about all I have lost to this addiction. Aside from the thousands of dollars I lost I no longer have a bank account or any credit and it's unlikely I would ever have them again.
What I do have is a brain disease. This morning I found an article to support my statement. I've been reading " Doctors treat gambling addiction as brain disease". Here is the link. http://today.ucla.edu/portal/ut/gambling-addicts-suffer-from-brain-190668.aspx
My addiction is a chronic long-term illness. There is no permanent cure. It was so hard to accept these facts.
So today I will have money in my hands and do the right thing with it because I can't go back to living in my addiction. It's a lonely place.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
GOOD THINGS CONTINUE TO HAPPEN
Let's change that word to wonderful things!
My project with the grand children went smoothly and they did a marvelous job. It's Valentines week and that means another wedding anniversary follows the next day. That occasion usually is associated with a ROAD TRIP! Soon perhaps.
I had my yearly evaluation at work yesterday. All is well there and received a raise. I started a new watercolor class twice a month. It's great to try new ways of painting with an instructor to guide me.
De-cluttering the house and garage continues slowly but I'm determined to get that done. That new garage door sounds different and so it's a good reminder to pay attention to what I'm doing!
The birds have finally found the new food stations established for them in a better spot for me to view their presence. Now I realize that spending a few minutes watching them is a great way to unwind. I'm reminded that once long ago I had a stressful job and then discovered coming home and sitting in front of my big aquarium calmed me down. Life was better.
I've hardly had time for those triggering memories of gambling road trips to distract me. Oh, here's another wonderful thing. The Christmas tree is 90% de-trimmed! Wait.......What if I put red lights and hearts all over it? No, better not go there. Too much work. Hmmm. I'll think on that some more.
My project with the grand children went smoothly and they did a marvelous job. It's Valentines week and that means another wedding anniversary follows the next day. That occasion usually is associated with a ROAD TRIP! Soon perhaps.
I had my yearly evaluation at work yesterday. All is well there and received a raise. I started a new watercolor class twice a month. It's great to try new ways of painting with an instructor to guide me.
De-cluttering the house and garage continues slowly but I'm determined to get that done. That new garage door sounds different and so it's a good reminder to pay attention to what I'm doing!
The birds have finally found the new food stations established for them in a better spot for me to view their presence. Now I realize that spending a few minutes watching them is a great way to unwind. I'm reminded that once long ago I had a stressful job and then discovered coming home and sitting in front of my big aquarium calmed me down. Life was better.
I've hardly had time for those triggering memories of gambling road trips to distract me. Oh, here's another wonderful thing. The Christmas tree is 90% de-trimmed! Wait.......What if I put red lights and hearts all over it? No, better not go there. Too much work. Hmmm. I'll think on that some more.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
MY GAMBLING WAS A TIME KILLER
As an addict of slot gambling all of my time was eaten up little by little. Planning and playing and worrying and money moving and losing and more worrying took all my time. I gradually stopped doing the necessary everyday things as well as activities that gave me pleasure.
Housekeeping on a daily basis for example, suffered and that was never my strong activity to begin with. I've been gambling so long and it's no surprise I aged right along with that progression. My attitude toward a clean house is different today. It's only for company.
I could be forced to change my attitude but guess what? No one drops by the house unexpectedly. That type of friend never really existed. And for sure I did not make new friends at the casino. We slot players don't want to be bothered to even talk to anyone while we are in the zone. We don't even want to leave our machine if the casino fire alarm goes off.
I used to spend a lot of time changing the house around seasonally. Artwork was displayed for seasons. One Christmas came and the decorations stayed up. Now my decorating interest has perked back up but I've grown to like Christmas all year.
What I'd rather be doing is art and craft projects. I am so happy to be painting, crafting and sharing my creations again with my family. Today I'm preparing a project to do with the grandchildren to share with their parents. Valentines Day is right around the corner!
Housekeeping on a daily basis for example, suffered and that was never my strong activity to begin with. I've been gambling so long and it's no surprise I aged right along with that progression. My attitude toward a clean house is different today. It's only for company.
I could be forced to change my attitude but guess what? No one drops by the house unexpectedly. That type of friend never really existed. And for sure I did not make new friends at the casino. We slot players don't want to be bothered to even talk to anyone while we are in the zone. We don't even want to leave our machine if the casino fire alarm goes off.
I used to spend a lot of time changing the house around seasonally. Artwork was displayed for seasons. One Christmas came and the decorations stayed up. Now my decorating interest has perked back up but I've grown to like Christmas all year.
What I'd rather be doing is art and craft projects. I am so happy to be painting, crafting and sharing my creations again with my family. Today I'm preparing a project to do with the grandchildren to share with their parents. Valentines Day is right around the corner!
Monday, February 3, 2014
OH HOW I LOVE ROADTRIPS!
It is funny to think that I had road trips in my tricycle days but that's exactly what they were. I was given groceries to deliver to my great aunt at the end of the block. The hedges were all different as I drove along and that's how I knew her house from others.
My legs grew longer and I can remember the trip to purchase my bicycle. It was my pride and joy. During summers I took a lunch and headed out to the country where the bluebell fields grew, up and down the one lane dirt roads. I only had to be home for supper. During the other seasons I opted for the woods and was surrounded by glorious leaves.
At age 16 I was given a car. The only one in the household. It got me to school and factory work after school or school activities. I did all the household errands. I threw my school books in the back seat til morning before classes. My grades fell and my love affair with road trips grew by leaps and bounds.
A few years later my friend said she had a real stud for me to meet, I yelled ROAD TRIP! I took one look, agreed and later realized he was a road trip lover himself. How perfect was that? For almost 20 years we moved about the country. Ten times we moved from one end of the states to the other and there were countless road trips, all of which I loved.
People would ask where was my favorite place to live and truthfully I had no favorite. Back east there were all those wonderful trees that made roads so mysterious you just yearned to see what was around the next corner and over the next hill. Out west there were blue skies, rocks you could actually see, and roads to drive forever and be alone. Our country has the best diversity for those who choose to see it.
My road trips changed during my first 5-year self ban of gambling in my state. I realized I could go over the border in several directions and gamble. To read more of my gambling history, see my post of Nov. 25th 2013. The 4 hour road trips to gamble out of state began and quickly escalated. These were not leisurely trips.
As a compulsive gambler, once I had the trigger, the money, the plan and the time, little could stop the cycle. So my brain would recognize the trigger and speed ahead to the goal. The 4 hour delay to reach the goal was so long but remember, I loved driving and road trips. Still, I would do everything to make the time pass quickly. Music and singing, planning which machines I would play, which casino I would step into, mileage games.
If it had not been for cruise control I would have had a zillion tickets. There's a scene in the movie "you've got mail" when Meg Ryan leaves her flat to meet her internet friend. She starts down the sidewalk normal, then starts skip-walking, then makes herself slow down, then can't wait and skip-walks again. She just can't wait.
That's the feeling I experienced during every trip out of state to gamble. What danger I put myself into with the speed and passing other trucks and cars. Being a compulsive gambler puts us in the danger seat every time even if it's just a walk through the parking lot, because we are preoccupied.
My legs grew longer and I can remember the trip to purchase my bicycle. It was my pride and joy. During summers I took a lunch and headed out to the country where the bluebell fields grew, up and down the one lane dirt roads. I only had to be home for supper. During the other seasons I opted for the woods and was surrounded by glorious leaves.
At age 16 I was given a car. The only one in the household. It got me to school and factory work after school or school activities. I did all the household errands. I threw my school books in the back seat til morning before classes. My grades fell and my love affair with road trips grew by leaps and bounds.
A few years later my friend said she had a real stud for me to meet, I yelled ROAD TRIP! I took one look, agreed and later realized he was a road trip lover himself. How perfect was that? For almost 20 years we moved about the country. Ten times we moved from one end of the states to the other and there were countless road trips, all of which I loved.
People would ask where was my favorite place to live and truthfully I had no favorite. Back east there were all those wonderful trees that made roads so mysterious you just yearned to see what was around the next corner and over the next hill. Out west there were blue skies, rocks you could actually see, and roads to drive forever and be alone. Our country has the best diversity for those who choose to see it.
My road trips changed during my first 5-year self ban of gambling in my state. I realized I could go over the border in several directions and gamble. To read more of my gambling history, see my post of Nov. 25th 2013. The 4 hour road trips to gamble out of state began and quickly escalated. These were not leisurely trips.
As a compulsive gambler, once I had the trigger, the money, the plan and the time, little could stop the cycle. So my brain would recognize the trigger and speed ahead to the goal. The 4 hour delay to reach the goal was so long but remember, I loved driving and road trips. Still, I would do everything to make the time pass quickly. Music and singing, planning which machines I would play, which casino I would step into, mileage games.
If it had not been for cruise control I would have had a zillion tickets. There's a scene in the movie "you've got mail" when Meg Ryan leaves her flat to meet her internet friend. She starts down the sidewalk normal, then starts skip-walking, then makes herself slow down, then can't wait and skip-walks again. She just can't wait.
That's the feeling I experienced during every trip out of state to gamble. What danger I put myself into with the speed and passing other trucks and cars. Being a compulsive gambler puts us in the danger seat every time even if it's just a walk through the parking lot, because we are preoccupied.
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